Venting Reality, and my self-esteem

I romanticise something so much that is so hard to describe.
the hyperindividualism factor explains why.

because I make being a philosopher part of my identity so much, to type as something in MBTI strongly associated with naive realism feels like a major threat, no wonder I get painfully jealous whenever others are better than I am at coming up with philosophical theories.
The fact I struggle to realise reality is a simulation myself, and can only be convinced via the responses of others (it is extraverted of me to be influenced by the external environment), makes me very sad.

If I were to discover that most people I know, if not everyone, are secretly convinced reality is false and I'm the odd one out, the only one that takes reality for granted, I'd feel miserable.

My self-hatred is profound. I'm struggling to appreciate anything about myself at all, because my self-worth is massively tied into how removed from reality I am. My favourite colours, my favourite clothes, my favourite music, my favourite video games, etc? all part of reality. what exists for me other than "reality"? Nothing, therefore I am an extreme sensor.

the more "coherent" "well-defined" "concrete" someone is the more of a "sim" they are

I don't want to be VISCERAL.
I don't want to be PRE-PROGRAMMED.
I don't want to be a NAIVE REALIST.
I don't want to have POOR REASONING SKILLS.