Empathy and Advice Welcomed I GET HARRASSED IN PUBLIC

ESFJ 6w7 624 RLUEN autistic fat girl that thinks she is a boy and has tantrums every day

I was minding my own business walking to the co-op, already feeling uneasy, thinking to myself "it's so embarrassing to want to be something you're not, like I am X and I know it but I want the entire world to view me as Y even though I am not otheriws I will be depressed" or "I am so lonely and miserable because of it, but becoming increasingly afraid of and suspicious of other people as a whole, I don't know what to do", some young lad aproached me randomly sayng "hi", as I walked ut of the shop there were loads of them booing me calling me "scary mary" (Im transgender) it was so triggering.

I want to be one of the lads, not the GIRL they mock.

It hurst even more how being unflappable and apathetic is part of my identity so to be the opposite (not just apprehensive, panicky, neurotic but SCREAMS VERY LOUD FOR THE DUMBEST OF REASONS) drives me to suicide ideation

everything I find HIDEOUS
cowardly
childish
hyper feminine
overly dramatic
cringe
ALWAYS GETS ASSOCIATED WITH ME
and i want to die because of it

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. I know it's probably not going to help much, but just know, that this type of behaviour from them is in no way right and reasonable in any way. I hope you don't want to be one of those lads, they sound like weak minded, small minded bullies.