A transcript of what I posted to Facebook, anonymously
19 y.o. transgender male with autism, complex trauma and eating disorder
I don't even know what it is exactly, I can barely place my finger on it, but whatever it is it's very very distressing.
[red]
I overshare too much.
I weigh too much.
I'm too much of a female.
I'm too closed-minded.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too impulsive.
I'm too childish.
I'm too much of a whore, a slut, a pick-me, an attention-seeker.
I'm too pre-programmed.
I care too much what others think.
[green}
I'm not deep/intellectual/esoteric enough.
I don't daydream/dissociate enough.
I'm not rational enough.
I'm not articulate and short-winded enough.
I'm not witty, cynical enough.
My hair isn't thick and fluffy enough.
I don't play enough video games.
everyone on the internet and IRL treats me like the red text comments like "get a boyfriend" or "that woman thinks grimacing will get her further in the queue".
and people that are more like the green text often manifest it in ways i could never expect or think of, making me feel more like the red text.
all this time Ive been venting to the internet and oging outdoors out of boredom only to get triggered by strangers blatantly misgendering me, objectifiying me, talking about me behind my back (resulting in more and more trauma dumping) if not reminising on my past instead of doing the stuff that ACTUALLY aligns more with the wya i want to be/the people i envy such as video games and internet rabbit holes and intellectual stuff (it results in dysphoria as its tied into my identity)
Someone responded with: you are way to unkind on yourself you want to look in the mirror and say to yourself I'm turning out into a beautiful young lady if you don't like yourself then you can't expect other people to like you just remember that you are as good or even better than a lot of people
Seriously? I do not WANT to be a WOMAN that just wants to be LIKED. that is the opposite of how I self-identify, to be seen and treat that way by others is hugely invalidating. It's very very very triggering.
As unrealistic as this sounds I wish the NHS offered brain surgery with the purpose of altering peoples' cognition, behaviour and personality to their liking.
change "core motvation" from "to be liked" to anything other than that
dissociate more, rationalise emotions more, less sensory input
smaller appetite
quicker wit
UTTER PERFECTION
I'm more than ready to go under the knife
19 y.o. transgender male with autism, complex trauma and eating disorder
I don't even know what it is exactly, I can barely place my finger on it, but whatever it is it's very very distressing.
[red]
I overshare too much.
I weigh too much.
I'm too much of a female.
I'm too closed-minded.
I'm too cowardly.
I'm too impulsive.
I'm too childish.
I'm too much of a whore, a slut, a pick-me, an attention-seeker.
I'm too pre-programmed.
I care too much what others think.
[green}
I'm not deep/intellectual/esoteric enough.
I don't daydream/dissociate enough.
I'm not rational enough.
I'm not articulate and short-winded enough.
I'm not witty, cynical enough.
My hair isn't thick and fluffy enough.
I don't play enough video games.
everyone on the internet and IRL treats me like the red text comments like "get a boyfriend" or "that woman thinks grimacing will get her further in the queue".
and people that are more like the green text often manifest it in ways i could never expect or think of, making me feel more like the red text.
all this time Ive been venting to the internet and oging outdoors out of boredom only to get triggered by strangers blatantly misgendering me, objectifiying me, talking about me behind my back (resulting in more and more trauma dumping) if not reminising on my past instead of doing the stuff that ACTUALLY aligns more with the wya i want to be/the people i envy such as video games and internet rabbit holes and intellectual stuff (it results in dysphoria as its tied into my identity)
Someone responded with: you are way to unkind on yourself you want to look in the mirror and say to yourself I'm turning out into a beautiful young lady if you don't like yourself then you can't expect other people to like you just remember that you are as good or even better than a lot of people
Seriously? I do not WANT to be a WOMAN that just wants to be LIKED. that is the opposite of how I self-identify, to be seen and treat that way by others is hugely invalidating. It's very very very triggering.
As unrealistic as this sounds I wish the NHS offered brain surgery with the purpose of altering peoples' cognition, behaviour and personality to their liking.
change "core motvation" from "to be liked" to anything other than that
dissociate more, rationalise emotions more, less sensory input
smaller appetite
quicker wit
UTTER PERFECTION
I'm more than ready to go under the knife
