Deep-rooted sexism, that (I think) people are unintentional about, unaware of.

I am the coach of a 12-14yo boys group, I'm a woman. I would say I am quite strict, but fair, I don't baby the boys and I think have done well with them so far, as the team is doing well in competitions and making progress every year. This season we were supposed to start strength training separately and with added weights, so far we've used body weight, but most of the boys aren't interested nor motivated to do it and also have skipped the strength training and usual sports hall practices a lot this season. Talking to other coaches they say their boys are very motivated and love the gym, but not mine.. So am I the problem or is it the boys? I also coach girls and they are motivated, no problem with either side of training, so yes, I also have thoughts about my gender.

Some parents have made a suggestion for the past two seasons to get a male coach and they do it in a polite way and say it's not me, but maybe a male coach would fit better.. Not about me? I've made great progress with the boys so far, so I'm guessing yes, it's not about my abilities, but IT IS about MY gender. I don't think most of the parents realize it's sexist, I don't think the boys themselves even think about why they would like a male coach (if they do), it's just rooted into them, since I am the only female coach of boys in the league and I guess usually the mums at home are less scary than dads, so it's something that just IS and no one thinks about.

I would like to continue as their coach, until this season I was very motivated, but since they've not been attending well, I've lost some of my motivation as well, because I can't train them as planned to fulfill their potential. If they were to wake up and start attending practices again and would be motivated I would love to continue on as their coach, but even if they do, I guess I should find them a male coach. It just makes me angry that something so unimportant as my gender seems to be a problem. I've gotten the boys this far, I was sure this season they were capable of being in the top 3 and if they were to attend practices, they would've certainly gotten there, but now they're gonna win championships with another coach, after all my hard work and then some man gets to come in and take all the credit? That just infuriates me, not like anyones gonna credit me, they'll just think the new guy did it all.

Besides me having attached to them over the years and wanting to continue coaching them, it would also be a big financial hit if I have to give them up, as my pay wouldn't cover my living expenses anymore and I can't get a new group in the next couple of years. Also, it's really difficult to find a new coach, as there aren't many.

I guess I just wanted to write down my thoughts thinking it would make me feel lighter, but no, I'm pissed off. I believe my thoughts on this subject are valid and objective and it's STUPID, that my gender prohibits me from getting to do my job. A part of me wishes that even if they get a new coach, the boys would still not attend practices and the group just falls apart, just to show everyone, it was not me being a woman, it was the boys.

All I know is that kids take on the attitudes of their parents. It’s not even conscious, but if the parents are making these comments to your face, they are probably telegraphing the same message to their boys. It really sucks and I wish it wasn’t that way, but it’s there.

I know this from personal experience. I am ashamed to admit that because I was raised with neo-nazi levels of racism. I even contemplated joining a white power group. Maybe not the racist skinheads in particular, but some group like that.

I have re-learned from being a thinking, feeling, and analytical human being that racism makes no goddamn sense. I know more about the day to day racism that everyday people experience for the color of their skin, and I have compassion for their experience. Even with that knowledge, I sometimes find myself being racist in tiny little ways, such as using certain words that I wouldn’t use with white people. These words carry a subtext of, “you are tolerated here, but you will never really belong.” I try to be fair to everyone, and it is even against my religion to treat people with disrespect. But it still comes out if I am nervous or uncomfortable. I feel like shit when I do that.

I am glad to say that I am making progress. I have made friends with my darker skinned coworkers, and I theorize that we bond over the shared experience of being marginalized. But anyway, I was powerless to know that I had shitty values at the time.

Thank you for sharing your experience! I understand sometimes not even realizing being intolerant towards someone, I have those moments too, but I realize that thought right away and usually don't express it loudly, I try to rethink. Unfortunately "the older generation" seems to not be as conscious about it unless life has put them in a situation themselves.