Empathy and Advice Welcomed dramatic impulsive oversharer in denial

I want to appear more closed-off, detached, disengaged, zoned out, cynical, apathetic, inexpressive. But i also cringe at wanting to be that way as well. (sometimes i realise how EXTREMELY cringe it is to want to be a literal robot)

my self-worth is tied so much into my persnality and behaviour.
I hate being so childish, so dramatic, so irrational, so self-revealing

I want the way i dress all my tastes etc to align with the traits I find attractive in others. Straight lines, military green, cloudy weather etc I really like the look of. I dont want to be really flamboyant and colorful and dramatic and stupid looking.
1 personality test is enough to ruin my day

my entire post history and the way people react to it (or LACK THEREOF considering i get the vaguest responses ever) is evidence of how fucking gross i am

I feel not just insecure or pathetic but just very distressed, because there is more and more evidence i am (or perceived the way by others) everything i despise everything i dont want to be

I'm sorry it's like this.

In general terms, when you've got a situation that you're unhappy with, the options to resolve that are to make an external change, or to make an internal one. Otherwise, it's a tough spot to be in.

If you want to be more masculine, it could be that hormone treatments would help.

But you're nineteen years old. You're going to grow and change a lot in the next few years. It can't happen overnight. The best, most permanent change happens as a slowly as a tree growing. One step at a time.

When your feelings seem so overpowering, I think it makes perfect sense to dream of being a robot.