Hope that fluctuates

Hi ,
Just a little background
15 , muslim , female , indian , dysfunctional toxic family
And I have health issues that go unnoticed
Last night when it happened , I had tears , this morning I was really angry
I waited to post for it , I just didn't knew now
I wasn't sure . What is there to say .
There is a lot to say but it's just the same thing over and over again .
And it doesn't stop my life . I will be probably be fine soon , I hope so atleast . I just feel so out of place right now , unsafe , anxious which technically I do all the time but my anxiety response is freeze so it's like
I am alone in the room right now so probably safe in the moment but I am breathing very carefully , if that makes sense
I had people I loved. I miss a lot of people but these 4 are the one I miss the most and often. My ex bestfriend , a person I was co dependant upon , my first reciprocated love interest and another friend
Now that I think of it and I try to reflect I think I was co dependant upon all of them in my own ways . Maybe I never learnt to be alone ever since I got close to my ex bestfriend .
Because I became codependent I also hurted them . Emotionally dumping someone is toxic , it's unhealthy , you can't expect someone to be your psychologist .
I am a human . I know make mistakes . They did it too and that is what is relationships about I guess. You cannot expect them to be fine and smooth, we are not robots lmao.
But.. I have a huge fear of hurting people . I blame myself for not being with these people anymore , yes there were things I could have done right but I know at last it was just situations and them as well.
I often feel like when I post things here , I struggle with self esteem and this fear so
Am I too much ? Am I emotionally dumping people here as well ? And I know this site is for that but so often I connect my worth with the number of responses I receive on my threads which is again so freaking wrong . How is that connected? This site is super busy , people have their own issues and I just see some common few people who are the top responders here .
The problem is within me . I am trying to let go of my inferiority complex but it can be tough to heal . I know I can't do it completely by myself but whatever I can , I try . So , I was just thinking
I often think before posting
Also , people here are nice and I am really really really grateful . I wish someone from my background , who had the same attributes as I do .
Young , indian or from the subcontinent , toxicity
I don't wish all these bad things , being Indian isn't bad but if you're borne in a society that's fucked up in this country then God save you
Anyways , I hope that makes sense
Reason is , maybe they would also share their own stories or we could connect or maybe they are in a better place right now . So.. I could get some hope .
Maybe they do exist , and we haven't Crossed paths. This site is hugeee
So.. yea
There's something about me that I have kept to myself because as delusional as it sounds I was wondering if I became big and they tracked down that I once or still would be a part of this community 😂
That's so unlikely
But , yes . But I think people here can keep things confidential.
If you're reading it , I would like you to answer it if something like that can happen.
Keeping it to myself for now , but let's say I was doing something day before yesterday and I am a very expressive person. I think everything can take a form of expression. So I expressed my suffering. Mom was fine
Let's talk about what happened last night , what am I looking for ?
To be honest I just want someone to have a magical wand and tell me that I will be fine , my dreams will be accomplished , I will make out of here and it's going to be okay
I have to live to see it . I don't think about suicide that often or seriously and I am proud of myself for that but even if I would be serious , I just know I am sooooo scared of the pain that I just wouldn't do it .
I hope I make it , the look on the face of these people would be such a delight
Mhm so , last night
After brushing my teeth with normal to cold tap water , I got warm water in a cup for squishing it around my mouth , I added salt in it , I am having gum problems
I told my yesterday's evening I gotta go see a dentist , he was like okay
So maybe we will go today .
My experience with dentists though .. it's been meh
The first time I went to a dentist , they were fine , I was a kid lol
The second time , they said I would need braces because I have gap between my teeth
I was like okay if he's saying so
The third time I visited they said it too but I did my research and no it's not needed
They all were different
My father is going to take me to my second time experienced dentist and I am reluctant to go cause YK it's just kinda frustrating. I know it's their job and I know they got experience and degree whatever
Buttttt they don't study anymore ? I come from a small town so it just feels like the doctors here aren't that up to date with the new information. I went to a gynaecologist once and they said such an absurd thing that I was like woah the doctors can't be trusted in my town or very few can
So , that was that
My mom and I share the same room , she asked where was I ? I told her , I went to do this thing with salt water
Then she started
Okay , her first point was warm and then cold and vice versa is bad for your teeth
I am not sure but maybe
She could have just said that right ? That too gently because I didn't came murdering someone ?
No , why would she do that
She said soooooo many different things
She hates me , I am her life's biggest mistake , she should have never had me , i am here and perhaps was in her womb because she committed a sin , I am unfortunate , I am ugly , I look ugly , I am worse than an animal , I will die alone and insects would eat me ? 😂
She regrets me very much , she hope I die for once and all , it's better than that fact she is

She regrets me very much , she hope I die for once and all , it's better than that fact she is crying every single day
She wants to kill me and hit me and she can only see darkness in the near future for herself because of me .
I will be alone and I will cry one day remembering all that she have said .
My future husband 😂🤣💀
( Sorry if it's weird that I am laughing it's just it's absurd and I think it's kind of my coping mechanism )
Mhm so my future husband , I will ruin his and his family's life by being in it
My mom's name will be go in ruins when that will happen .

Okay , there were some other things as well .
Why did she said that ? I think she is mentally ill and she have all this inside of her for me which she lets out in the most absurd moments
I am a rebel , I can be stubborn. I know a lot of things are wrong with my family and I choose not to act like everything is fine . I use grey rock method , that means not reacting , atleast I try not to react and only answer when I am asked something , that too important enough .
If she's like " why are you like this " I won't answer that
I also show no empathy or try not to to them or anyone in the house
If they need something , they say it and I do it
Is that abusive ? Maybe
I do it to protect myself
I don't help her in household chores unless she says so
I also don't listen to a lot of things that I personally feel are just stupid or absurd like the clothes they wanna make me wear , at times when I really don't have any choice I do it but usually no
And let me put this out , I feel atleast I came across mostly men here
I am not sure how it's going to be taken , what I am about to say but it is what it is and this is what I believe in
Our house have an open court so the ropes for drying clothes are there and there is where clothes are hanged
The men's underwear are hung there like no big deal . Every day , after workout I hung my workout clothes and bra there as well
It was a huge thing , it's not like I don't understand why but then do it with the men too
Would they like if they are wearing wet or improperly dried undergarments? No
Well , they have gotten used to it after I changed the position in which I hang it
But she still mention it at times
So I don't understand ?
Also maybe maybe I would have listened to them more if they weren't toxic and if they are loving
I don't understand after how they have treated me and treat me , how can they expect me to love them and stuff like that
Like if that makes me inhumane than bro what the hell ?
I think that's just bullshit and I see people loving their toxic families and omg they all are in denial or in such a huge need ( which is fair ) to be loved by their families
I am sorry , I am not the same
Yes things didn't ended up well with the 4 people I talked about but but I know what love looks like
I know it
It's not this
So even if they love me , it's all conditional and stupid and connected with their own self worth
And if someone is selfish then it's them
And maybe I too , but I would rather take pride in it
I am just , I get scared every time this happens because what if they check my journals ? What if they took my phone away or worse make me open it and check it ?
What if I am bombarded with household chores ? What if I won't be allowed to go the university of my choice ? What if I never make out of the house ? What if I won't be able to do the things I love and express myself in the ways i do ? What if I am forever stuck here ? And the worse what if just like my mom says , I am indeed useless and trash and no one loves me and the people I loved and who loved me back they probably regret me so much ?
I try not to internalise but it can be difficult.
There have been things that those people said , like one of them said they knew I wasn't worth their effort and maybe they said it in the heat of the moment or maybe they actually meant it . It's difficult to disconnect my worth from them even though I am trying.
It's just a lot of yapping
All I want is for things to be okay , that's what we all want
I know the only way out is through
That's a quote btw
And I know I shall focus on my career and blah blah blah
I just hope my liberty wouldn't be taken away and I won't be forced to do things because I am not good at it
Nothing makes me feel more anxious than to do things that I don't wanna know
It makes me feel trapped
It makes me feel I am not in control
It starts a negative spiral that screams that the future is doomed and I am forever stuck here
Breaking thought patterns can be tough , trying regarding that as well
I miss all these people so much , they were my home , my family , I loved them so much
While they were still in my life , baring it all was bearable
It was like " life's shitty but atleast they exist "
I don't know how I will end up
I hope it's where I truly belong and want to be
And I don't like my mom , hate her infact
But I hope someday our relationship can turn healthy
When I will go to therapy with my own money and I hope she would agree to go with me as well
Cause yea I hate my supposed family
I don't like calling them that
They are just the people in who's house I was borne
My mom is just a person who borne me
But I loved them once
It hurts to see our relationship is like this
I also don't like hurting them
But gotta do what I do to protect myself and my life
I hope it all turns out fine
And I hope the people I loved and love don't regret me

Talking about how you feel and getting support is what SF is for. No one is forced to read or reply to threads, so it's not imposing on anyone.

IRL, people tend to have only a limited capacity to support others. Because of that, it's often best to try to form a network of support and try not to place too much pressure on any one source. SF is unlimited though, because support is what SF is for.
There's a natural tendency to think that way, but I hope that's something you can overcome.

People often see relationships in transactional terms, they want to "invest" their time and efforts so that they will get something back for themselves. So I think that may be what they meant by "worth their effort".

You're definitely worthy of support and the effort to help. It's just that the situation that you're in is toxic enough that you'd have to be friends with someone special for them to be connected to you while you're going through so much suffering. Those people you were friends with, all their friends would probably also leave if they were going through the same level of hardship that you are going through now.

Encryption, or putting content only on SF and erasing your browsing history might be enough to maintain your confidentiality.

While it's good to make some plans, worrying doesn't do any good, it just causes stress. It's easier said than done to say not to worry, but maybe if you try to worry less it will work.

Your mom is really awful. She's taking all of her own problems and trying to make you suffer for them. I'm not sure if expressing anger toward her would make things better for you, or if she would just get even more angry and abusive.


Sending hugs

Thankyou

Thankyou for taking the time and reading it and replying in bits . I appreciate it . Hugs are appreciated , sending them back as well
Did you meant people left me because I am suffering ? I couldn't understand that part you said , can you elaborate ?

I don't know what your relationship was like with them, so I can't presume to know all of the reasons. However, it's generally true that when someone is struggling long-term, people have a tendency to abandon relationships with them.

People tend to form relationships with others because they get something that they like from it. If they have to make some form of sacrifice, they tend not to do that. So yes, I think they may have left because you are suffering.

Makes sense
It happened to an extent