Hi all,
It's been almost a little more than a year since I was here on SF. And what a year it's been. For me, it's only gotten worse, and I wish I wasn't here saying this but I truly have nowhere else to say it, so again here I am. I am sorry to those looking for encouragement that life is worth it on here, I think for some ppl it rly is but for me it is not. After all the issues I've gone through in my life, from having an ED to body image issues to self esteem issues, life decided to give me another one. I started losing my hair rapidly about two years ago. It has progressed significantly over the last two years, and along with it has become scalp pain and itchiness and loss of my original curl pattern as well as a change in my hair texture. I now have 1/5 of the hair I did, many bald spots, and I feel utterly completely disgusting.Ive been to 3 dermatologists and finally the third one confirmed that I have androgenetic alopecia. I really was hoping for an easy solution, some big foreboding reason as to why this is happening to me. But there is none, and I think its god's (I'm not even religious lol) way of telling me to just be done with it and get off this earth. After I've made so many threats to the world, maybe it's finally time to act on them and stop being a useless wimp. I am hideous, ugly, disgusting, gross, and will never be the same again. Another huge factor in this is that I'm a junior in college, but I decided not to apply yo vet school and now I feel lost and hopeless. I don't really know what I'm doing. Ive been getting rejected left and right from all the opportunities I have been attempting to pursue, and I am realizing the problem is me and how I appear and how I am perceived. Maybe the reason I can't move forward in life is bc I'm not supposed to. Ive been slowly isolating myself from ppl I know, I deleted all social media, and I avoid mirrors religiously. Life is getting harder and harder each day. I hate waking up and the only time I know peace is when I'm sleeping. I don't contribute anything to others around me, and I think for the sake of everything it is finally just time to accept I am a horrible ugly malformed thing that won't ever receive love or true connection from anyone. At this point, there is nothing in life keeping me here. All I can think about though, is how painful ending it will be. I'm so so scared and right now that's the metal handcuff attaching me to life. But I think I will overcome it. At this point being alive is more painful than if I were not. there is nothing left for me. I hope soon I find the courage.
It's been almost a little more than a year since I was here on SF. And what a year it's been. For me, it's only gotten worse, and I wish I wasn't here saying this but I truly have nowhere else to say it, so again here I am. I am sorry to those looking for encouragement that life is worth it on here, I think for some ppl it rly is but for me it is not. After all the issues I've gone through in my life, from having an ED to body image issues to self esteem issues, life decided to give me another one. I started losing my hair rapidly about two years ago. It has progressed significantly over the last two years, and along with it has become scalp pain and itchiness and loss of my original curl pattern as well as a change in my hair texture. I now have 1/5 of the hair I did, many bald spots, and I feel utterly completely disgusting.Ive been to 3 dermatologists and finally the third one confirmed that I have androgenetic alopecia. I really was hoping for an easy solution, some big foreboding reason as to why this is happening to me. But there is none, and I think its god's (I'm not even religious lol) way of telling me to just be done with it and get off this earth. After I've made so many threats to the world, maybe it's finally time to act on them and stop being a useless wimp. I am hideous, ugly, disgusting, gross, and will never be the same again. Another huge factor in this is that I'm a junior in college, but I decided not to apply yo vet school and now I feel lost and hopeless. I don't really know what I'm doing. Ive been getting rejected left and right from all the opportunities I have been attempting to pursue, and I am realizing the problem is me and how I appear and how I am perceived. Maybe the reason I can't move forward in life is bc I'm not supposed to. Ive been slowly isolating myself from ppl I know, I deleted all social media, and I avoid mirrors religiously. Life is getting harder and harder each day. I hate waking up and the only time I know peace is when I'm sleeping. I don't contribute anything to others around me, and I think for the sake of everything it is finally just time to accept I am a horrible ugly malformed thing that won't ever receive love or true connection from anyone. At this point, there is nothing in life keeping me here. All I can think about though, is how painful ending it will be. I'm so so scared and right now that's the metal handcuff attaching me to life. But I think I will overcome it. At this point being alive is more painful than if I were not. there is nothing left for me. I hope soon I find the courage.
