- trauma dumping to ChatGPT (those youtubers like and Modern probably cringe at me in the same way I cringe at AI and how fake and ugly it seems with its vocabulary)
- getting bored if I don't leave the house all day
- emotional outbursts in public
- oversharing
- caring too much about what other people think
- acting without seeing the consequences
- obsessing over personality labels
- not reading books
- not playing video games
- drugs eventually making my self-esteem and rumination worse rather than having any genuinely self-medicating properties
- hoarding
- saying or doing things that do not make sense (and others comment on it)
- forcing myself to do or like certain things just for the image it gives off
- actually giving a fuck about anything
- being "sensitive, dEePlY rEfLeCtIvE and thoughtful" I just want to be like someone else instead for crying out loud (and it doesn't even necessarily have to be the completely apathetic doomer schizoid zombie addict dropout even, it could even be some kind of chav or whatever emo 13 year old girl or that random guy at the pub or the average Jane or John Doe, whatever the fuck I actually want to be like I just want to feel comfortable with myself for fucks sake), vocabulary likes "deep" and "soul" and "overly hard on themselves" make me cringe so much ("wants to understand themselves because of trauma identity problems" "major self-esteem issues" "very confused and conflicted" etc etc etc are examples of better ways of putting it, but at the end of the day I know I can't control whatever words other people use to describe me. Of course my psychologist would be the "deep soul reflective Youre so clever you should do philosophy at university!!!!!!!!!!" person but the chavs would be the ones that make sex jokes at me and my brother will be the one that takes the piss out of my identity like theres no tomorrow as he withdraws into INFP 4w5 (not a mistyped s*ns*r wannabe) anime fantasy worlds in his bedroom")
Comments like "get a boyfriend", allegations of being overly dramatic, allegations of doing it just for sexual attention, etc are just beyond horrifying.
So does other people doing or saying weird things, being sarcastic, being less attentive to their surroundings, acting confusingly, coming up with ways of doing or achieving stuff in general that I never ever thought of myself, etc, makes me very jealous as well.
What is also painful is someone dressed better than I am. In ways I could never come up with myself.
To put it more concisely, just not being like the most archetypical possible redditor basically (introverted, takes their low self-esteem out on others, rarely leaves the house, realises the world is all fake) - sharing everything about myself and my past on forums like this (comments from strangers "You're so brave and strong and courageous few people do this!!!!!" are so triggering)
I mean to be fair it is reasonable of me to overshare on the internet considering I had a lack of support system. Out of intense feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood.
my brother said things that hurt my ego so much.
my psychologist makes me cringe.
all the other therapist people say vague things that don't really help.