Sometimes I'm grateful that I'm too much of a nonfunctioning, mentally ill, overgrown child to date or have relationships because I have no idea what I would do about the way my body looks if I ever got close to anyone. I'm glad I don't have to have that debate with myself.
I learned how to conceal and minimize what I need to in high school but before that, I got made fun of by classmates for my body type and I'm honestly so grateful that they said those things to me. There's a lot of "it's okay, there's nothing wrong with you" sentiment out there about body image and I think that's true for most people. I wish so much that that was the case for me, but because of what people said when I was a kid, I know that's not what's going on here. I have honest, genuine reasons to hide under my clothes. I'm not just being influenced and damaged and pressured by unrealistic societal standards. This isn't just in my head.
For my height, I'm usually only 5-10 pounds overweight depending on the day but my overall body shape is very unfortunate, strange, and if I'm being honest, gross. I say that as a neutral statement. I have very gangly, skinny limbs and the majority of the fat on my body gathers around my midsection. I think "well, at least everything works" and that used to help a little bit. I'm disappointed with myself for this, but after repeating that over and over in my head for so long, the effect has kind of worn off. It's a reflex. Trying to be grateful for my physical health and functioning is just background noise. I barely register it.
Because of how I dress, I've had people tell me I'm skinny, but based on the number on the scale, that's just not accurate. It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. I try to have a sense of humor about it, like how could so many things go wrong at once. I'm basically catfishing people in-person and making them think I look normal when really, that couldn't be further from the truth. How would I explain that to a potential partner? "Hey, I know you probably think I look okay but I actually have the body of an uncooked turkey underneath all these layers. Hopefully you don't mind. Sorry for kind of lying to you." That's just not fair. It's misleading and dishonest.
It's not that I don't "deserve" to have a relationship or be loved, it's just that I can't possibly expect someone to look past everything that's wrong with me both physically and mentally. It's just one more thing I can't have in this sad little existence. I'm so tired. When can this end?
I learned how to conceal and minimize what I need to in high school but before that, I got made fun of by classmates for my body type and I'm honestly so grateful that they said those things to me. There's a lot of "it's okay, there's nothing wrong with you" sentiment out there about body image and I think that's true for most people. I wish so much that that was the case for me, but because of what people said when I was a kid, I know that's not what's going on here. I have honest, genuine reasons to hide under my clothes. I'm not just being influenced and damaged and pressured by unrealistic societal standards. This isn't just in my head.
For my height, I'm usually only 5-10 pounds overweight depending on the day but my overall body shape is very unfortunate, strange, and if I'm being honest, gross. I say that as a neutral statement. I have very gangly, skinny limbs and the majority of the fat on my body gathers around my midsection. I think "well, at least everything works" and that used to help a little bit. I'm disappointed with myself for this, but after repeating that over and over in my head for so long, the effect has kind of worn off. It's a reflex. Trying to be grateful for my physical health and functioning is just background noise. I barely register it.
Because of how I dress, I've had people tell me I'm skinny, but based on the number on the scale, that's just not accurate. It's incredible. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life. I try to have a sense of humor about it, like how could so many things go wrong at once. I'm basically catfishing people in-person and making them think I look normal when really, that couldn't be further from the truth. How would I explain that to a potential partner? "Hey, I know you probably think I look okay but I actually have the body of an uncooked turkey underneath all these layers. Hopefully you don't mind. Sorry for kind of lying to you." That's just not fair. It's misleading and dishonest.
It's not that I don't "deserve" to have a relationship or be loved, it's just that I can't possibly expect someone to look past everything that's wrong with me both physically and mentally. It's just one more thing I can't have in this sad little existence. I'm so tired. When can this end?
