Being hypersexual as a child turned me into a malformed, angry adult who silently winces at the idea of anything sexual. Like, at all. It's like I'm immediately split into multiple ways of thinking, one part which is very interested and somehow finds enjoyment in (at least the idea of) it, many parts which are uninterested, and at least one which hates it and rejects it. I know that doesn't make sense, but what it does make is conflict.
I cant get into anything because I know I won't get anything out of it. I can't enjoy myself because I'm numb, uncomfortable, somewhat embarrassed, dissociated, and my mind is constantly wandering. I have a hard time believing people who say they enjoy it, and it angers me that I am still subject to the depravity mother nature instills in you despite it being such an unrewarding and overwhelming experience. If I weren't at all interested in sex I feel like this would be less of an issue, but the fact that I am makes me feel sick, defective, and sheep-like. By the way, I am not interested in hearing about whether or not you are interested in/enjoy sex. This should go without saying but the internet is vast and people like to talk.
I didn't even realize I was sexually abused until a couple months ago. It's something called "covert incest" which I have not heard of before and will not go into detail on because that shit is sick and insideous. I don't know when it started but it must've been before age 6 because that's when the fantasies started. Like, stuff I shouldn't have been thinking about. It went on until I was probably 18ish. I was molested once, by my mother, and apparently I've had nightmares about it before I remembered it even happened.
As I grew up, the people around me got more adult and vulgar and I felt like a baby. I felt like, for I guess no reason other than I deserve shitty things, I didn't develop properly and was stuck in a puberty stage where the desire is there but I am still a young child who isn't ready. I avoided sex until my 20s and eventually started taking birth control and kinda got past some of the reluctance. But even now 2 years into a relationship, I rarely want it and even more rarely do I have a good time. I have completely given up on the payoff being equal for both sides, and I don't often feel charitable enough to let someone else have what I can't.
You always hear others say you should be vulnerable and leave your comfort zone but also like literally why would I bother? Get 20 minutes into it and realize it hurts and I don't want it anymore? Why would I do that to myself more often than I already do.
I can't make up my mind and I'm never comfortable with anything. This is bullshit. Imagine if I just had parents who wore clothing. Maybe id have turned out better.
I wrote a poem about it, but feel free to skip.
Nine
---
Get out
Get it out of me
What's left
Of my memory
Old age
Once a mystery
New Wave
An epiphany
Like that,
I am someone else
Forget
To protect myself
Black out
Leave the world behind
Can't tell
If this face is mine
Spare me
Crocodile tears
Don't call
For a hundred years
Hardly
Believe what you did
Had me
Indoctrinated
I was
just a little boy
Someone
had to make a choice
Your sick
game of hide and seek
You turned
Me into a freak
I cant get into anything because I know I won't get anything out of it. I can't enjoy myself because I'm numb, uncomfortable, somewhat embarrassed, dissociated, and my mind is constantly wandering. I have a hard time believing people who say they enjoy it, and it angers me that I am still subject to the depravity mother nature instills in you despite it being such an unrewarding and overwhelming experience. If I weren't at all interested in sex I feel like this would be less of an issue, but the fact that I am makes me feel sick, defective, and sheep-like. By the way, I am not interested in hearing about whether or not you are interested in/enjoy sex. This should go without saying but the internet is vast and people like to talk.
I didn't even realize I was sexually abused until a couple months ago. It's something called "covert incest" which I have not heard of before and will not go into detail on because that shit is sick and insideous. I don't know when it started but it must've been before age 6 because that's when the fantasies started. Like, stuff I shouldn't have been thinking about. It went on until I was probably 18ish. I was molested once, by my mother, and apparently I've had nightmares about it before I remembered it even happened.
As I grew up, the people around me got more adult and vulgar and I felt like a baby. I felt like, for I guess no reason other than I deserve shitty things, I didn't develop properly and was stuck in a puberty stage where the desire is there but I am still a young child who isn't ready. I avoided sex until my 20s and eventually started taking birth control and kinda got past some of the reluctance. But even now 2 years into a relationship, I rarely want it and even more rarely do I have a good time. I have completely given up on the payoff being equal for both sides, and I don't often feel charitable enough to let someone else have what I can't.
You always hear others say you should be vulnerable and leave your comfort zone but also like literally why would I bother? Get 20 minutes into it and realize it hurts and I don't want it anymore? Why would I do that to myself more often than I already do.
I can't make up my mind and I'm never comfortable with anything. This is bullshit. Imagine if I just had parents who wore clothing. Maybe id have turned out better.
I wrote a poem about it, but feel free to skip.
Nine
---
Get out
Get it out of me
What's left
Of my memory
Old age
Once a mystery
New Wave
An epiphany
Like that,
I am someone else
Forget
To protect myself
Black out
Leave the world behind
Can't tell
If this face is mine
Spare me
Crocodile tears
Don't call
For a hundred years
Hardly
Believe what you did
Had me
Indoctrinated
I was
just a little boy
Someone
had to make a choice
Your sick
game of hide and seek
You turned
Me into a freak