Practical Advice I messed up my sister and I hate myself for it

Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I feel so horrible that I am allowed to celebrate because I know I've inflicted harm on her. She experienced everything that was going on with me. In the summer of this year I had a breakdown, ran from home, and was transported to the hospital when I got back home. My sister had to experience me being gone and not knowing where I was, the police being at my house and searching my stuff and being transported home in a police car. I will never forget that day. While I was being interrogated in my house, she was crying loudly from her room. She was hyperventilating and scared. I will never forgive myself for putting her in that position. I'm sure my sister has developed anxiety. And its my fault. I hate myself so much because I was so selfish and I affected her. She sometimes cries at night while she thinks I'm sleeping (we share a room) however she doesn't know that I'm crying too. Sometimes I ask her what's wrong and she tells me shes worried for me and life seems so hard for me. She feels bad that her life is so easy and mine seems so hard. I don't have the same privileges as others my age. No phone, social media, job, permit, license. I got them all revoked because of my actions. So she knows that life is different for me especially because I am in my senior year and everyone at my age has these things and not me. It bothers me too but I know I deserve it. She goes to therapy now.I hate how much I've exposed her to bad things. I don't know how I can forgive myself. It hurts to wake up everyday knowing that she's only going to experience the same things I'm expereincng and I don't want her to go through everything I went to I wish I could've been less selfish and protected her

You've gone through some trauma, and that in turn has led to some other problems. The trauma is the root problem, and it's not your fault. Please be gentle with yourself.

Your sister probably has been traumatized to some degree by incidents related to you that she witnessed. It's only traumatizing to her because she loves you though. It sounds like you also love her. Please don't underestimate the value of that love. Not all sisters love each other. If she has simply hated you, maybe she'd be less traumatized, but she'd also not have the value of your love, and she'd be worse off for it.

You've got some problems to deal with, but you can also overcome them. You and your sister have the potential to give each other a lifetime of love and support. Going through some tough times together can actually strengthen a bond that you have with someone. The relationship that you have to your sister could be one that proves to be really good for both of you.