Old new member (the 2nd time), Raven come back and forth lol

Hi guys, here is illusioncity aka Raven, previously aka Escitala but no longer use that name because of a super fxxking stupid girl bothering me with that name. I am a university student who is taking a gap year which is about to end, but I don’t know if I can be able to be back to my beloved school because the course selection is driving me mad.
something about myself:
I am a metal vocalist, my band is a DSBM (depressive suicidal black metal) band called Voidborn. You can check it at metal archives or bandcamp. Metal is something that keeps me alive because I am a daily suicidal girl or ghost (My self identity is a ghost who is wandering aimlessly through the world) And listening to metal makes me feel less alone. And I can say if no one ever invented metal music, I may already be a real ghost now, because I may have already committed suicide in 15. Shit. Might already become someone who make electronic music idk hahahahahahahahaha, but I am a fxxking metalhead and I don’t want to merge some other genres inside metal lol.
I am also a rhythm gamer, my favorite game is Phigros and Ryceam lol. My current dream is to make a rhythm game called Atomsland or some similar name which includes a bunch of metal music, still the same old saying that metal is my life and tbh I kinda dislike the normal music included in most rhythm games, (but I do like those spooky music like MARENOL and MopeMope by LeaF hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, wtf strange music taste of mine!)
I am an ex-package insert collector, some ASD habits……
Well I was diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder, namely Asperger’s Syndrome. That makes me twisted like a wandering wraith haunting this world (wtf is this metaphor?) Also I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and underwent psychosurgery and it made me a completely different person after recovery. I was used to be a genius in studying when I was younger but I got an fxxking F after the stupid psychosurgery and I couldn’t accept this, but that’s understandable because I am a science student but that course is history and I really really hate history, learning history makes me have panic attacks. That’s how I took a gap year hoping to gain a full recovery, but the courses are selected by other students and what’s left are polit*cs and history and I was like WTF? Might as well we escape tonight (Voidborn, 2023)! (wtf? APA Citation???) I don’t remember how to cite articles, fxxk my brain.
i am 20 years old age with a 114514 years old brain. (So stinky the number is! 114514,1919810!) so please don’t say bad words to me and don’t curse me, thank you. I have already cursed myself with an early death lol. (and almost get killed by appendicitis and car crash) so please don’t curse me with bad words please! Unless you want me to use some mod edit - method (wtf hahahahaha mod edit method) ways to end my short miserable pathetic life.
I am born into the wrong country and I can’t fit in at all. Shit I have to move to the outside after I graduate. It’s painful listening to those pop music in my country and I simply hate mandarin pop I hate it fuck it I fucking hate mandarin pop! But you have to listen to them when walking on streets and it almost made me turn alive as a dead soul. Dead soul kick the floor! Hahahahahahahahaha (it’s a recording in a rhythm game song called Dead Soul)
Anyway, fuck this life, fuck my life. One day I will end it by myself, probably to join the 27 club (hopefully it doesn’t get a mod edit - timeline, hahahahahahahaha) idk…… I hate living, I don’t want to be alive anymore. Quetiapine has too many side effects and might as well take a valium to sedate. lol.
I want to meet someone to chat with here, so feel free to send a PM to me and maybe we can chat elsewhere (?) omg miss SF a looooooooooot. Hope I can get a bunch of replies lol. (I hate myself and I want to cut myself deeply, fuck this.)

Hi, & welcome back @Raven ! I think it's great that you're taking a gap-yr., in school. You've got your whole life in front of you--so no need to rush it! I listened to a lot of Metal growing up, but have not kept up with it since. I admire a lot about it, and the genre in general, as well as the fans though. The passion, is phenomenal & extraordinary. In fact, when I was your age (I'm more than double that, now. . .) I'm pretty-sure, that I was still thinking & of the mindset, where: this will never be or there will never be, another; or any~other 'style,' or kind & type of music with which I will listen to (at least in so far as it being... My #1).

I think it's really quite an accomplishment that you're in a band, and are on Band Camp, and all of that~ / Way to go. . .

I'm sorry to learn of all of your struggles with your mental health. And the good news is: you've got some time, by the sounds of things!

I don't know anything about video games, but I used to play them until I was about your age. All I know is, I was a lot happier & more at ease when I was. But, the times I've thought about getting back into them - it's just seemed to complicated, complex (for me, a techn-o-phobe, more or less) & so on and so forth... time consuming, etc*

Hope you can find some people to re-connect with, while you're here! : ) Take care. mr. b~

Welcome back amongst us.

Wooooooow I’m so glad that you seemed to be a metalhead as I am right now in your past! It reminds me of myself hating music when I was so young and all I hear in my routine daily life was mandarin pop and tbh I really hate the pop music in my country, all about nothing but the love between boys and girls, I was asexual so I couldn’t relate to those boring at shit lyrics at all. And one day I listened to darkwave like Nox Arcana and i realized that there’s another kind of music not only about wedding and love hahaha. I do love horror music lol because I am a horror lover and a self-identified ghost hahahahahaha. I am the spooky and scary being among the living and that’s why I am really into black metal and you can hear me growl in pop music hahaha but some worse-than-posers shit will curse me for ruining their favorite pop music. Omg listen to the Chinese pop, the chicken is so beautiful By Xukun Cai! What the fuck! I am not an iKun and I am not Xiaoheizi please don’t attack me (omg modern Chinese culture I can’t adapt to it at all. If you don’t understand that’s completely okay because it’s all Chinese modern culture and I really don’t understand what’s fun about the chicken at all) sorry for venting too much lol I am just saying those words carried inside my fucked up brain. So sorry for venting.
Yeah being in a band is great, make me feel alive. Thank you sooooooooo much for replying such large quantities of words to me and that means a lot for me. About video games I used to hate a lot of them hahahaha because I was kinda born special girl who didn’t enjoy play games but after the psychosurgery it changed and I somehow started playing Phigros. Really recommend this rhythm game or music game although my ranking score only reached 14.00 lol. Thought I was a music lover so I could try to play music games and it made me a rhythm gamer lol. But I’m trying to quit because I am about to return to school hopefully…… school seems not so willing to let a mental breakdown girl like me to return and as a self-identified ghost I would haunt the school hahahahahahaha and my school doesn’t want to be haunted by ghosts. Hahahaha I give in to myself.
Thank you so much! (And I am resisting my desire to write the whole thing like an email because I am accustomed to writing emails…… ehhhhhh……
Best,
Raven
(oh no it still looks like an email……

I love the way your response/post looks... that's closer, to normally what you'd get with me, or from me - is kind of, "one big Chunk!" Or, 'paragraph,' I guess~!* ;^) I'm glad you're used to writing emails too, because I always, or often wonder, if people today, still use them as a form or means of communication? I remember once years ago - someone telling me (who was a generation maybe behind me) - that she'd only used them, "If she were writing her Grandma, or something like that..." Understand/stood though--that this is, or was, merely a sampling, or sample-size of; ONE! : D

Then I remember, it took me MUCH Longer to get done w/college than most. But so anyway, it was about ten years later, from H. S. graduation - & I'm still in there. Obviously, there were some 'breaks,' & other detours, or things gone seriously wrong. But so anyway, I'm asking this one student, if they'd ever still even used CD's anymore? And their response, "Well... Only if I go & buy something Used, or second-hand."

Yes, I do remember thinking to myself often, then. . . that there would just never be any-way in which my tastes would change, with respect to music being too hard, too fast, too heavy or whatever it was that I so adored & appreciated, or respected about the genre then. Like you couldn't come up with a song that was dark enough, or too fast/aggressive, loud sounding and all of that (realize that it's morphed quite a bit since then - this was maybe 25 yrs. ago*)... ;^)

I remember all of these American Boy Bands were beginning to get really big. And I was vomiting internally in my brain, while walking around out & about in public. : ) Anyway, I'm not, nor was I ever, I'd suppose. . . "Their," target market/or audience~

See about ten years ago, I worked with some guys who were really into gaming. And they would use their computers. But so I don't even know if that is more the norm, these days (or not)? My last was like the first Play Station. And/or N-64, maybe? I think, if I got back back into it. That's about all I'd do! Hahaha...

Yes, I must admit, I am not aware of Chinese pop, or very much of their culture at all unfortunately. I can understand how it would all get to be a bit nauseating as you've described, however. When subjugated to it on a daily basis. Almost as if unable to avoid, to some certain extent, when ever you choose or decide to - leave your day. You get to be bombarded by popular culture, or whatever the topically relevant thing is at the/that time. Unfortunately! Hard to tune out, even when you try. . . :/

I try to detach just enough so that it doesn't bother me too greatly, which, these days - is a little bit easier you see. As you age, and get into say you're 30's. Things, seem to, anyway... mello/or even out^ a bit~* (that's what I found/experienced, and have heard others say similar things). Realize however, not all experiences will be anywhere near universal. Sometimes, if you've got a mental illness that is on the more active end, or particularly bothersome or troublesome. Sometimes, I have found that these can begin to smooth out, 'Just a bit.'

Just enough to the point where it makes it a little easier to manage, and navigate. As well as, ultimately "live-with," I guess?~*/>
All I know is this: had my 20's been more, or anything like my 30's. . . No way in Heck, I'm still here now ~let me tell you! I'd have looked for an opportunity to exit stage left, as soon as was imaginable, or conceivable--for crying out loud. As there was no way I could last another repeat of that Hell Zone! ;-D

Again - so much P&V! At least for me, Then. (^;

Hope you're having a Good Day! @Raven & nice new profile picture/avatar~* : )

mr. b*

I think I may have said that wrong, or backwards.. It' s~ IF my 30's, had been anything more-like my 20's - then da daa dah da!
And leave the house for Your day, was what I meant to say*

Hello and welcome back

I remember you had posted about psychosurgery. Since you were gone for so long, I thought maybe the surgery hadn't gone so well.

So you're not the same student that you were, and now you like video games, has anything else changed?