Well, I have written here so much (lot of it nonsense), but here in the end I would like to explain, what I do, when I fall. And I fall deep. First of all - I suffer from multiple substance disorder, deep depressions, suicidal ideas, PTS, sleep not very well - and - worse of all: from time to time I drink. This does not mean that I have any withdrawal symptoms - except in my head ("carving") and once I start to drink only one beer, I know it will be over for a time until I find the strength to stop. As already told, I have no medical help (except a doctor who is more or less a friend and who prescribes me, what I tell him to give me). No therapy will work - I had them all and I mean it.
Step 1: Giving up - I know I will not get out until I reach the bottom. Then everything stops - I cannot stand stress, I eat, I drink a lot of beer, I am unable to do sport (and unwilling), I am sitting here, watch TV, read - fall deeper an deeper until the moment is reached. So, say goodbye or change something. Then my strength kicks in. I am still normally fit, I am not fat or so, actually I do not look the age I am, people think I work somewhere (here in Spain nobody can believe I am on retirement - but ok its early).
Step 2: I make a realistic plan how to get out. First step is to see my doctor. For this I need to stop to drink at least until 12:00 to take the motorbike, go to the hospital, to the pharmacy. I never lie - I always tell the truth. I refuse medication, he wants to give me, because I know they are not good for me (some I gave back). So he knows I am reliable. Then I know I have take one day without beer to start. For this I use some Valium.
Step 3: Once the alcohol is done with, I start to clean completely my apartment - in all senses and everything. I renew my environment - and somehow myself.
Step 3: I clean myself internally - I take Magnesium hydrochloride and there all it goes. There is nothing better. But for 5 hours do not go too far from the toilet.
Step 4: I start sport - first only walking (every day a little more) and the regular target after a week or so is 30.000 steps a day. Plus I go to the gym every morning.
Step 5: I continue to live from juice only. In my falling down phases I eat - but that's the only time. Normally I do not eat any longer, I drink fruit juice, vegetable juice, water, tea, coffee and milk with proteins.
Step 6: The body starts to change again. you build muscles, you loose slightly weight (not too much - I am not fat, on the contrary). Always around 60 - 70 KG for 175, thats ok for my age. Of course I feel a lot better with 60 - I feel just light, as if I could fly.
Step 7: I hope, pray, put all my power into not falling back - but know with 100% certainty, that it will happen again. Trigger can be something very sad, very good, very stressful.. anything that is out of the regular average and there I go back to step 1. And for this I just need minutes... and the body will follow very quickly later.
You have seen in all my comments all my 7 steps. Today I can report that I am out. I will go to walk now, I am at step 6 (beginning) and it will take a long while (normally 3 months) until I fall again. I hope and wait for the day, the day will not come. And yes, I am a real believer - that helps a lot. It moves mountains. In all the time I have contact with only two or three people. All around me here in this small Spanish village have no idea - nobody really knows me here, except being a nice, friendly German who seems a little crazy (in the positive sense) due to my haircut, tattoos, wardrobe etc. I always wear these - so practical and cheap. Only in the church they do not like it. Why? Did they never see "Oh, brother where art thou"?
For all the rest: I always pay attention. The light at the end of the tunnel is always the train coming towards you...!!! Murphy was right. And for all the rest - Fuck it. How do you get out? How do you help yourself? I mean sitting on my ass doing nothing was never my thing. I know that one day it will be enough and I know how to go - but until then I fight. So I excuse myself for my comments sometimes - they are always in this sense: fight, change something. Because it helps.
Step 1: Giving up - I know I will not get out until I reach the bottom. Then everything stops - I cannot stand stress, I eat, I drink a lot of beer, I am unable to do sport (and unwilling), I am sitting here, watch TV, read - fall deeper an deeper until the moment is reached. So, say goodbye or change something. Then my strength kicks in. I am still normally fit, I am not fat or so, actually I do not look the age I am, people think I work somewhere (here in Spain nobody can believe I am on retirement - but ok its early).
Step 2: I make a realistic plan how to get out. First step is to see my doctor. For this I need to stop to drink at least until 12:00 to take the motorbike, go to the hospital, to the pharmacy. I never lie - I always tell the truth. I refuse medication, he wants to give me, because I know they are not good for me (some I gave back). So he knows I am reliable. Then I know I have take one day without beer to start. For this I use some Valium.
Step 3: Once the alcohol is done with, I start to clean completely my apartment - in all senses and everything. I renew my environment - and somehow myself.
Step 3: I clean myself internally - I take Magnesium hydrochloride and there all it goes. There is nothing better. But for 5 hours do not go too far from the toilet.
Step 4: I start sport - first only walking (every day a little more) and the regular target after a week or so is 30.000 steps a day. Plus I go to the gym every morning.
Step 5: I continue to live from juice only. In my falling down phases I eat - but that's the only time. Normally I do not eat any longer, I drink fruit juice, vegetable juice, water, tea, coffee and milk with proteins.
Step 6: The body starts to change again. you build muscles, you loose slightly weight (not too much - I am not fat, on the contrary). Always around 60 - 70 KG for 175, thats ok for my age. Of course I feel a lot better with 60 - I feel just light, as if I could fly.
Step 7: I hope, pray, put all my power into not falling back - but know with 100% certainty, that it will happen again. Trigger can be something very sad, very good, very stressful.. anything that is out of the regular average and there I go back to step 1. And for this I just need minutes... and the body will follow very quickly later.
You have seen in all my comments all my 7 steps. Today I can report that I am out. I will go to walk now, I am at step 6 (beginning) and it will take a long while (normally 3 months) until I fall again. I hope and wait for the day, the day will not come. And yes, I am a real believer - that helps a lot. It moves mountains. In all the time I have contact with only two or three people. All around me here in this small Spanish village have no idea - nobody really knows me here, except being a nice, friendly German who seems a little crazy (in the positive sense) due to my haircut, tattoos, wardrobe etc. I always wear these - so practical and cheap. Only in the church they do not like it. Why? Did they never see "Oh, brother where art thou"?
For all the rest: I always pay attention. The light at the end of the tunnel is always the train coming towards you...!!! Murphy was right. And for all the rest - Fuck it. How do you get out? How do you help yourself? I mean sitting on my ass doing nothing was never my thing. I know that one day it will be enough and I know how to go - but until then I fight. So I excuse myself for my comments sometimes - they are always in this sense: fight, change something. Because it helps.
