Venting why?

honestly don't know where to post this. I don't know if it could be considered "bullying" (At least not my current situation..i think so)

So let's start with the beginning. In 2018 I moved to another city for my mother's job. My life was perfect until then, I was really happy, I liked going to school, making friends, and even though I never saw them again (I changed schools every year) I was happy, because they were as good, as any "normal" child, I was 8 years old, 8 years old and I thought that everything I knew up to that point was the only truth, that "discrimination" or "bad people" did not exist for me, I genuinely thought that bad things did not exist, what they teach you on TV or the things that teachers said about bullying, racism, and all that. It was fake to me, it was just an exaggeration to scare children, that's what I thought. I guess I was very innocent back then (I think I still am)



It was a very big reality shock for me when I realized that in reality, children could be bad, that bad people did exist, that bad things were real. But, I was only 9...and it was horrible. I don't know how to explain it, I didn't even know at the time what was happening. "Why do they behave like this?"
"Why are they laughing at me?"
"Why do they say such ugly things if I didn't do anything to them?" "Why do they talk as if they were "adults"? "Hey, you're not supposed to swear..."
"Is there something wrong with my physical appearance? why are you laughing..."
"What's your name? Hey, are you ignoring me?"
""That's not okay or normal...why does everyone act like it's normal when it's not?"
*"Why are you being so rude? He's just a kid...he shouldn't talk to a little kid like that.."
"Why do you make those gestures? That's wrong...Mom says doing that is rude."
"Why don't any of you behave like the What children are they supposed to be? Is it because their parents treat them badly?
It was a very big are supposed to be? Or is it because they are growing and it is part of the process?? Is this supposed to be normal? So why doesn't it happen to me too? Why are you all so bad and I'm too "small" to understand it? We are the same age..so why does it hurt so much?"

I realized that in fact, they were not normal, they were wrong, because of the way they were raised, because of the way their parents' parents were raised, because for them all this was normal. And I was too innocent to understand what was happening.

When I found out that that year I would not change schools and I would stay there to finish my primary school, I was happy, too happy, because it meant that this time I would make friends and see them next year, that we would grow together, that everything would be fun. But, haha, you know ...

I remember being SO HAPPY that school is starting now so I can make new friends, that the day before school starts I sleep all day, It was literally like 2pm, I fell asleep waiting for it to be daylight, I woke up, it was still daylight. "Damn, why does time go by so slow?"I went back to sleep, I woke up, it was day. Like this again and again, until finally it was night and I could sleep happily knowing that now it was almost "tomorrow."

It makes me so sick to remember how happy I was, how excited I was to meet the people in this new place.

Now I can't stop crying because I just don't want to go to school, because I had a bad day, because my classmates are the same, because people are still bad, because now the "bad kids" are teenagers, because now maybe I should understand them better, they are also just growing children, because it is logical that they behave like that, or maybe not. Shit, of course it's not normal, Is it normal for my partner to talk about how she lost her virginity at 13? Is it normal for them to talk about sex, porn? Well, yes, maybe it is normal, But, it is not so normal that they have talked about those things even when they were only 9 years old.

Because, one time, there was a conflict with my mom and us kids, I, I was really angry and frustrated, so I yelled at one of them, I don't remember exactly what I said to him, It was more like a claim to what had happened. And it really scared me when I heard that boy much younger than me (I was 9 years old). swear, curse, insult me, say that "I'm ugly, fat, fat and ugly" ..boy...I'm just a kid...you're just a kid...why do you say such hurtful things?"

Is it normal for a 4-year-old child to talk about porn and sex? Is it normal that these children have become so accustomed to cursing and being rude? All because their parents "educated" them like that...? Mnh, The thing about parents makes sense.

I think I haven't changed, at least not much, That is to say, now I am more aware of what is happening, but I continue to wonder why they act like this, trying to justify it with their type of housing and upbringing.Because it is the most reasonable thing, but now they are no longer 9-year-olds. So, it is more normal for them to behave like this, right? ...I am aware of what is happening but it still seems like I would like to deny it. I just want to stop asking 'why?' when I clearly know why.

I don't hate school, I don't hate teachers, I don't hate children. I hate the people of this place, these people who are broken, and who have been breaking me. I hate the fact that I can't do anything. I talk to my mother, she says "Oh darling, that's life, people are like that, don't pay attention to them." Yeah mom, I've been doing that for FIVE YEARS, F-I-V-E.

i just want my damn innocence back.

I just want to grow up like the normal, happy life I was supposed to have.

I'm really sorry that you had to change schools so often when young, and then, once you finally found some stability, that it turned out to not be the most accepting, and encouraging environment for you. How heartbreaking that must have been? This realization, then... for you! I'm just so sorry for you. And that is A LOT to process for someone your age. Heck, "any-age" but in particular someone who is young, and as they always say, I'm sure every generation from the beginning of time - that 'kids are growing up so fast these days!' While that may have always been true. It has never been probably MORE TRUE, than now. Given the advancements with technology, in all its various forms and incarnations. From what I understand, many of the issues you mention or bring up, are similar to have arisen for others of a like-age. And I myself, could not fathom having to grow up in such a world. So I do feel for you. Now, first off, you have the right to feel the way you do: & that is, of course, 'uncomfortable.' To me, that is perfectly normal in this situation, and in this circumstance. Now just because there are others who are talking about these sorts of things, that doesn't mean or make them experts in such. But even if it does for some of them, I just want you to know, that it is okay to feel awkward and not wonderful about their or your involvement in such manners & topics of subjects in such. In other words, they may be (some of them, anyway) just talking for the sake of sounding good, and being popular, or "hip" as they used to say (way) back in the day! . . . But what I don't want for you to feel like you need to do--& maybe you don't; which is only wonderful then, is to feel somehow left out, or as if you are being left behind. Or somehow NOT COOL as in, with the "In Crowd," for not going along with the rest of them. And I still suspect (though I don't really know for sure) that some of them are just doing it for talk, and for show. Like those tell tales of Fish caught. That are much more magnificent & all-knowing than they really are/or were, based on how they seem to be describing them. For effect, in other words. It/they are done to impress. To show off, I guess? Just try to ignore them and drown them out, remove yourself from their space & situation if you can, and that is possible there & then. I know it hasn't been easy with your fitting in, or having some of your classmates and peers, for the past five years--& how how an eternity that must feel, then to you? ...it can be really difficult to come into a new situation. And then to those who already have established connections & friendships. With no one wanting to reach out to you and become your friend. To welcome you with open arms. And I'd imagine too, at that age, it is especially difficult with others concerning themselves with wanting to stay running with all of their old friends, rather than to be the one who reaches out and extends an olive branch, to you, in order to try & win a new friend, at the cost or expense of risking their, I don't know I guess? Popularity? Or whatever image it is that is sacred to them (or so they think at this delicate, young & fragile age...) & then to top it all off. If you have something that is different about you. Any thing. And just being the new one is enough. But if you have something else, such as something you have alluded to. Then you almost have just given them then - in their eyes only now (some of them) - an excuse, or an out & a reason, to mock to ridicule, and to make fun of and to belittle you. To put you down, and to look down on you. And that is no fun. So none of this is through any fault of your own. I just want you to know that. It isn't always going to be this way. It just feels like that because you've been trapped in this bad situation for so long. But once your environment change, and the players - or the people - change. That can have an entire rearrangement or arranging of the mix, that is your life, and the chemistry that is involved, or involving with, those others who are around you & in your life. You may come across those who are more accepting, and more mature with age as well. Which will help, no doubt. So you will make new friends and fit in, much better. Believe me. Trust me. I've been there so I know it can happen for you. I've seen it happen for many others too. Some of the least "popular," friends I'd had growing up in school, now are doing the best out of any or all of us in life. They've got families, jobs, all successful & etc. And you'd have NEVER GUESSED IT. Or predicted it, had you have taken a snap shot of our lives at that point & time, etc. So just know that, and also this, that there is hope! In sprite of it all. Here's hoping you can catch a small break, some time, some way @silly kid :B ~ mrb. : )

I've been doing it for a long time, telling myself "It's okay, they're stupid, I'm not, I just don't have to hang out or be like them." because I don't want to be like them, even if they laugh, that's fine, because I am "better" than many of them. But, how can I continue like this if when I try to minimally explain that I feel bad, they tell me "make friends, you have to go out. You're just stressed for not going out and meeting people" Yes, maybe it's that too, but no, no mom, I don't want to go outside where there are people who scare me, where there are people who are a bad influence on me, that's how you taught me, remember? stay away from "bad" people . That's what I do, I walk away, I don't talk, I "socialize" with those at my school but every second I do it I feel like shit, I smile with them, I laugh at their disgusting jokes, to come home and start crying about all the things that happened, to tell my mom that kids my age are "all stupid." But she doesn't know how to help me, "Do you want to change schools?" How could I?
When the only person I feel minimally comfortable with, when the only person who doesn't scare me, is you, mom. I couldn't change schools and live with my uncles, even though I also know that, Inevitably that will happen, that one day when I have to go to university, I will have to move, alone, without you, because your job is here. So I try to be happy while I'm still by your side, because I'm still a child, because I still don't want to get away from my mom.

I once tried to vent to a person for the first time (before my mom) and that helped me a lot to gain strength and also talk to my mom, we talked on the phone, he told me a lot of things, because he also went through bad times, and I felt so good that someone had simply heard me cry because I didn't know how to respond and that instead of saying "calm down, don't cry, you're exaggerating." he told me "it's okay to cry." But, he told me the same thing that my mother had also told me and would continue to tell me, "Make friends, socialize" No, you don't understand, I can't, I can't hang out with these people, it hurts me, it hurts me just to listen to them, even though currently they haven't treated me "badly." .. because he also asked "do they bother you?" and it's like "I don't know..." because now I'm sure that I suffered from bullying in primary school but at that time I didn't know it, maybe it's happening again. But no, the truth is I don't feel like they're bothering me, maybe I'm just very fragile. But, I couldn't tell him everything, so we just talked about how he should try to make friends, go out and meet people. I was 13 years old when I spoke to him, and something he told me also shocked me a lot. "You're only 13, it's okay, you'll get better." Yes, I guess so..

anyway, thank you for always taking the time to read and respond, I really appreciate it 💗💗

Nope, no worries at all @silly kid :B ! Now, can I ask why you found it shocking, or surprising to hear that, "at 13... you'll still have a chance to get better?" Were you not convinced of this? And that it would be so (the possibility exists for improvement, or change--from the way things are now?). I also feel that, due to the bullying or the traumas you've suffered in primary school, and whether or not they are happening now, or to even the same degree that may not even really matter. Given that, the effects of this treatment, has had a major impact on you, and how you think, feel, and so on... This is where you come to tell your mother that, "they are all bad people." Maybe a good number of them are. But would you not feel that, just maybe, some of them aren't? As well? Perhaps, and just maybe? . . . It is possible, as I've said, that due to your prior bad, and negative experiences that your view on things is a bit tilted. And you are seeing things, overall now, a little bit worse than they really are. Now don't get me wrong, it doesn't take very many people to be picking on you or treating you poorly, in order to that to be felt, and extremely or directly to the core. Or of your insides, and such. So that is not what I'm saying, is that you're misreading the situation entirely. Maybe, just in part, or partially? And you mother seems to be aiding in some of this thinking of yours as well. When you say or mention, how she'd taught you to avoid these types of people. In order to become or feel safe, you must protect yourself by labeling others as a dangerous threat, or "bad people." (Instead) for fear of consequences suffered from before. There are, or these are, like after affects that are felt throughout and even from within you maybe. Sort of just happens automatically, and without much thought being put into it. Or so I'd imagine. Think of it, like a defensive mechanism, in a way. Worry about university later. That's a long time away. For now, do what ever it is you think best to get into a good situation socially. And to be able to get involved with others, and to try and talk to them. If you can make friends with them, that's great. But you don't have to from the start. Just get used to being in their presence, and comfortable with having and holding conversations with them. This will help you in your ability and your ways of learning people, and how they act, in various situations and settings. It all takes practice, which means experience. If this can't be done here, where you are. If you truly look around and can find no groups of people with which you fit in, then maybe moving to be with your uncles for school might be an option to look into too. Not saying you'd have to take it. Just trying to find some way to help you to be better associated with your peers. As having your Mom for an only friend, isn't great, in the long run. Safe, and safety, for now. Yes, but what about in the future, or as in, tomorrow? ... As I said, University can wait, until university gets here (or a whole lot closer than now). The main thing is, for you to learn how to behave and interact with others who are your own age, and to not automatically find everybody to be turn-off's as individuals, or people. If the ones you're hanging out with now, and faking it with, are talking mostly or a lot, as in too much about topics with which you find or make you feel uncomfortable. Then try to hang out with other circles of people. I understand how hard and challenging and difficult it can be, when so many already have their formed cliques of friends. Trying to pierce through that bubble can feel like a force field, or wall, or barrier that can be very difficult to penetrate or scale, go over the top of. But you may have to look around, and try to find another way around the side of it or something. Keep searching for an opening, and try not to let fear get a hold of you, and to get the best of you. That will only limit your experiences. And then you too, will lower your expectations. None of this is your fault, by the way. More so just a victim of circumstances. Please let me know if any of this doesn't make any sense. And good luck to you! Have a nice day. -mrb~

I also find you to be, or think you are, a very deep thinker, and wise person. Especially for your age. This is why you have such great introspection, or insight and view into or of, yourself. You can read and analyze, or asses, your own situation quite rather well, in other words... Also may make it tougher to find people your own age that you can relate to with ease. So you've got to adapt, and be flexible. Try not to over think things, and be too critical of what they say. I'm not talking about the subjects you'd mentioned earlier. Just more in general. At that age, people can tend to be a bit on the immature side of things with their tastes & their sense of humor, etc. So just keep that in mind. If you're used to living being surrounded by older people, and then too, almost thinking a bit more like them. That too, could be, where some of this conflict is coming from within you. Or if it is not, and it is simply a matter of people being inappropriate, in their nature and all else. Then that is fine, and it is o. k., as well as perfectly good too, alright @silly kid :B ? Just wanted to offer up some other thoughts, in the interest of, or in the case of, one or some of them were - right, or close (somewhat?). peace!

Mhm, well, I've never openly explained it to anyone other than reasoning it out to myself, so I guess this is a good time to tell it.
I think that at some point we have all wanted to be "someone important" or at least in my case, when I was little I always saw people on YouTube and thought "they are so cool." I wanted to be like them, not exactly an internet star, but I wanted something special, something that made me feel important and cool like them, and I kind of achieved that, when I was about 10-11 years old. I created a Twitter account, Instagram, and started uploading drawings of the things I liked. I think I was still too young to have that kind of social media but... there's nothing I can do to fix that, then. Well, little by little I began to grow on an artistic level (now I realize that I really had talent in that since in my opinion I drew quite well for being 10...) although of course, that was due to constant practice. It was a pandemic and I almost did nothing but draw, publish my drawings, people said I was great and that I drew beautifully, it really was a very nice stage, that helped me distract myself a little from what was happening in my life. in general... but, time passed quickly, I don't know what exactly happened but I stopped drawing, I felt bad, I couldn't take it anymore, it took me TOO long to draw something simple, I was inactive for a while. A long time passed, one year, two, three... And well, now I see people of 11-12 years old who are starting with the same thing as me or who even started earlier and are currently my age, and they are really good, it's not that they are a “wow, an artist that everyone knows” but, you understand, they have their own community and they make drawings.

Just as it could have been, if I hadn't left it (the draw), I know it's wrong, I know it, but I can't help comparing myself to others, it's horrible when I feel like this, I try to think about something else. To avoid feeling this way, try to deny it, but at the end of the day, that's the truth. And that, I feel bad in general because I feel like I'm belittling everything, and when I realized (I think I already knew) that “God, I'm only 13…” It was kind of eye-opening. for me, although sometimes I forget that I'm actually still very young, and I feel bad being aware of what I'm doing wrong. My problem is that I think about things too much, I wish I didn't and could just be a teenager carefree about life, it probably seems that way to others, but deep down I just think too much about things that I shouldn't..


Again, thanks for taking the time to read and respond! <3

No problem! And in your defense, you've only been a teen for like a year! Ha... So, anyway? I think it is GREAT that you've got this wonderful talent, in drawing and that you were able to realize it, to a pretty full and spectacular extent, and as well as sharing it with a much larger internet community as a whole. Which is going to give you, in so far as that particular slice, or demographic in the world is concerned, a fairly democratic view of what they think of your work. Somewhat (haters aside) honest feedback then! Which sounds as if, it was all only very encouraging. So, my advice to you, is, if you still think you love it. And want/or would like to do & pursue it once again. Who cares about the interim. The gestation. No one. So why should you. Just go back, and start drawing again. As if almost from anew. Then just let the results - happen as they may! Don't force it, don't sweat it, or stress. Just do it for fun, and the joy & the love of the process, or the finished product, whatever it is that inspired you and motivated you in the first place. If it's an audience, then that's fine too. It sounds a healthy thing to be engaging in. And it is good that you've got this awareness & this recognition about your self, in so far as, being aware of how you like to (or tend to - automatically, and without thinking) compare your-self to others. You're right, yes, we all do it (to some extent). The key: is not to OVERDO, it~ & then be stuck with too much negativity & regret. Of course we will only find beauty & wonder in others, and flaws etc. in ours (or our own - works, and such). So again, to recognize this is wonderful, and very necessary on the path to improvement, or change. So no need to try & correct it overnight. Just do what you can, to make each day a little better. Can you do it, I don't know? 5% less maybe, to day... Whatever you can do, to help with it, and to try to improve with the current situation and way of looking at and viewing things, that's what you should try & make a good natured effort to do. Who cares if others have amassed a modicum of success. There's no reason why that's got to affect you, one way or another. Yours (success) is independent of that, and so, I don't want you to focus on it too much. For it isn't healthy, nor if that's what drives you, and we all are competitive. But it can reach a stage of being destructive, as well. Art is usually, or often can be, very healthy for us & in a therapeutic sense. So even if you don't reach the level you're hoping to attain or acquire, then I still think it can be a noteworthy passion, even if viewed as only more of a hobby (or something similar, however you want to categorize it, is fine & good then). I know that, you're as old as you've ever been. So... that's still pretty good then, to me & in my eyes (what you've managed to do & accomplish thus far!). Keep at it, and keep it up! Good work @silly kid :B ! : )

I would say to be most concerned with an audience of one--& that being - your self! : )

If others love it, too... then great! If not, that's okay too~ ;^)

thank you very much for your words, I truly appreciate everything you tell me A LOT and I assure you that even if it is something small like encouraging someone, it helps me a lot. thank you(again). I'll try to do it! :3💗💗