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Is it really possible to have it all?

Searchingforhope

Searchingforhope

Well-Known Member
#1
#1
I feel like I grew up in a society that told people, and in particular women, that they could 'have it all'. They could have a family, children, a career, active social life, hobbies... etc etc. In turn, I've grown up into a world where that doesn't feel like a possibility at all. It's impossible to own a house where I live on one salary, and equally, it's impossible to raise children with two parents working full time jobs. Childcare is eye-wateringly expensive. Women are expected to work like they don't have kids and raise children as if they don't work.

I feel like I'm forever on a treadmill of trying to keep up with everything and at every stage letting somebody down. It's exhausting. And I don't see any possibility of it ending. I'm told not to lower my work expectations or ambitions because one day my children won't be little anymore and won't be so demanding. And I just find myself thinking, well surely by then I'm going to need some sort of break.

It's endless. Get up. Get the kids ready. Go to work. Try to concentrate. Deal with colleagues that sometimes seem to ignore me even more than my children do. Come home. Battle with the kids through dinner. Battle with the kids through bedtime. Have a single hour of free time (during which I'm supposed to exercise, socialise, relax, clean the house, finish all the work I didn't get done during working hours etc etc). The weekends come around, and there's no break. Just a different kind of busy. I feel so selfish for feeling like this is difficult, because I love my kids, I really do. But I'm SO exhausted.

Am I totally alone in this?
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#2
#2
!00% agree. You've written this really well.

The whole thing is as you said, loaded with toxic levels of expectations, and fraught with dilemmas, double standards, and then... we wake up in the middle of the night, or in the middle of another run on the treadmill and think, wait, what is going on here ....
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#5
#5
Heck, I can barely Maintain a roof over my head, a job, and a car. I could not deal with kids. They would end up taken away by social services because I am so absent minded that I would probably lose track of them.

I think that maybe it’s possible to “have it all” but that it shouldn’t be expected. I’m sure there is the 1 in a million super achiever who has the combination of luck and aptitude to pull it off. I don’t know any of them, though. For us mere mortals, we need to prioritize. Obviously the family demands are more emphasized when the kids are small, but once they reach adolescence, they will be trying to figure out their own path whether you want them to or not.

I don’t have advice because my approach is very zen, as in if I don’t have energy to do something, I just don’t do it. I have avoided all serious life responsibilities in order to maintain this option. You mentioned having kids, as in plural. I remember my parents had the older kids taking care of the younger by about 12 years old. I’m not recommending that because I know times have changed and parents are expected to take kids to all sorts of activities. When I was growing up in the 90s, it was pretty much expected that parents restrained their offspring from committing felonies, but beyond that the kids were on their own. I don’t imagine that you are close to alone on this. Social expectations are stupid!
 
Bergerac

Bergerac

Well-Known Member
#6
#6
I think that phrase may relate back to a time when women didn't have rights and weren't allowed to fully explore education and achieve their potential.
So, it would seem like a dream.
Now, in this day and age, as with time society has evolved and women have become more equal, taking on more responsibility, and money, etc. is a lot harder to come by, it's just not practical and a great strain.
It's what people aspired to in the past, vs. reality today.
this applies to a lot of areas of life, I think, as the world is more fast-paced and all feels like an uphill battle, unless you're in an extremely luxurious position.
I'm sorry.
 
Searchingforhope

Searchingforhope

Well-Known Member
#7
#7
Bergerac said:
It's what people aspired to in the past, vs. reality today.
Click to expand...
Yes, I think it very much is the case of past aspiration v today’s reality.

Just feels like in my parents’ generation it was the expectation that when becoming a mother a woman would drop the rest of her life. V now. The expectation is that she maintains the rest of her life, to the same standard, whilst also maintaining her parenting to a high standard too.

And on top of that, I’m working hard to try to parent differently to how I was raised. *And* social media means we can see a million facets to all of the above and see ways we’re supposed to improve it all. (Don’t worry, I understand social media isn’t a real life view!!)
 
Dante

Dante

Life-long ponderer.. and Git.
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#8
#8
I think it is perfectly possible to "have it all" but its kind of an all-or-nothing deal. Where I live its impossible to have your own home when single, you need 2 incomes, so having a partner unlocks having a home. It can be difficult to meet people, but having a good job means coworkers whom you may get on with and introduce you to more circles of people. A good job also means money for hobbies, but hobbies can circle back around to "transferable work skills" and make you interesting, helping find friends and partners and work. With a partner you have 2 incomes so you can work less and still earn OK, freeing up time for hobbies and social, or push through and get that home you wanted.

Every one part of the "have it all" puzzle seemingly relies on another part, many of them not being possible unless you have the others, so it is possible to have it all, but very difficult to have only some. If you are missing any one part it makes all the others harder. No social circle means less networking opportunities which makes it harder to find a partner or work. No job makes it impossible to go out or have a home or pretty much anything really, lack of hobbies makes you boring which affects social circle, partner and job interviews, Lack of a good home means no hosting so affects social circle, also affects money (rent) which affects everything else.

Its all circular. You have to find each part on hard mode and the more pieces you have the harder it is to juggle until it all balances out and starts to work.
 
Livelife

Livelife

SF Supporter
#9
#9
Warning...possible overshare.....

The imbalances of basically the pre 60's for women in life occurred in a different way as you have indicated during the past few decades with women coming of age and independence and what you were told was accessible and reality when it wasn't yet truly understood what that would completely entail. It was embraced that women now had the freedom to work outside the home at whatever, highly educate in areas previously not welcome to them and advance up the chain if desired, this also when companies and corporations started to no longer regard loyalty so much, if at all, as a quality or honored time given to the company) then it shifted into an expectation that it was to be no other way. And being a "housewife" and mother was not sufficient and powerful in and of itself. And since men can't carry and birth a baby that couldn't be a change made. And the cultural shift didn't include an alteration for men as a whole with responsibility for running the household and time with child rearing being attended to. Add in cost of living increases without comparable increase in wages and some people desiring and also needing to have more tangibly than what used to be. And also a subtle and sometimes not so subtle continuance of gender judgments in certain arenas and situations......And the widespread expection also, whether voiced or not, for people to manifest and maintain sound physical, mental, emotional and spiritual balance and expansions. It make my head spin with what is put on women now trying to raise children with all they want for them, while working and doing the dailys, etc...fitting all of it into a constrained timeframe.
 
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BarryW

BarryW

SF Supporter
#10
#10
Searchingforhope said:
Women are expected to work like they don't have kids and raise children as if they don't work.
I feel like I'm forever on a treadmill of trying to keep up with everything and at every stage letting somebody down. It's exhausting
Click to expand...
Searchingforhope said:
Have a single hour of free time (during which I'm supposed to exercise, socialise, relax, clean the house, finish all the work I didn't get done during working hours etc etc).
Click to expand...
You have captured these challenges pretty well. Everything has an opportunity cost, meaning by pursuing one thing, you ignore many other things; there's no getting around that. At best you can occassionally combine a couple tasks like 'socialize' + 'exercise' = play tennis with a friend. Other tasks cannot be combined without causing big problems or errors.
While I do not have children, and will not pretend to fully understand, I have been in situations where I was too busy. No matter what I was working on, I felt I was making the wrong choice by ignoring the other 8 things I was supposed to be doing simultaneously. Despite working harder than I ever had in my life, I felt drained, frustratred, and insufficient.

Searchingforhope said:
one day my children won't be little anymore and won't be so demanding
Click to expand...
I don't know anyone who can wait 10 or 20 years to get a break.
 
Searchingforhope

Searchingforhope

Well-Known Member
#11
#11
Livelife said:
Warning...possible overshare.....

The imbalances of basically the pre 60's for women in life occurred in a different way as you have indicated during the past few decades with women coming of age and independence and what you were told was accessible and reality when it wasn't yet truly understood what that would completely entail. It was embraced that women now had the freedom to work outside the home at whatever, highly educate in areas previously not welcome to them and advance up the chain if desired, this also when companies and corporations started to no longer regard loyalty so much, if at all, as a quality or honored time given to the company) then it shifted into an expectation that it was to be no other way. And being a "housewife" and mother was not sufficient and powerful in and of itself. And since men can't carry and birth a baby that couldn't be a change made. And the cultural shift didn't include an alteration for men as a whole with responsibility for running the household and time with child rearing being attended to. Add in cost of living increases without comparable increase in wages and some people desiring and also needing to have more tangibly than what used to be. And also a subtle and sometimes not so subtle continuance of gender judgments in certain arenas and situations......And the widespread expection also, whether voiced or not, for people to manifest and maintain sound physical, mental, emotional and spiritual balance and expansions. It make my head spin with what is put on women now trying to raise children with all they want for them, while working and doing the dailys, etc...fitting all of it into a constrained timeframe.
Click to expand...
Oh, this is so perfectly put! Thank you!
 
Survivorist

Survivorist

Black sheep of my family....
#12
#12
I can only agree 100 percent. I raised 4 children, out of which only one was mine. It did cost me my marriage (because I had to work abroad to get the funds and my wife was working too). So, I could only come home 2 or 3 times a year. We had enough to live, but limit (in the beginning). I bought my first new car when I was already 38 years old! Now the kids are grown up. So, what I want to say is - there is an end to the stress. I tried to do the best, promised not to repeat the things my parents had done to me - and kept my promise. I raised the daughter of my ex-wife but did not hear from her since 5 years. My son is calling once a month (ok, he is pilot). The first two are fixed on her mother as I was always abroad - so understandable. The other 2 are in regular contact but limited due to distance only by WhatsApp and one annual meeting (if we have the funds). I am TIRED. I could live a life without any problems (enough income) but still live on minimum in order to continue to help: Am I stupid? Or do I just forget myself? It has a positive side as well: I did it well, with all my heart and all I could give or do. I kept my promise never to treat them like my parents treated me. In fact, my son only received ONE punishment - when he was about to burn down the apartment (all kids try fire experiments...but please not in the wardrobe locker... smile). They know that I am sick and understand. I refuse further help (pride) and living alone for the moment is giving me the peace I need. No pressure to do the dishes or go shopping.

So @Searchingforhope courage! It will end one day and then you will be proud of yourself. You do good - do not let the stress, work, money problems tear you down. It will get better. Money is not everything. Involve kids in housework asap. Hug!*grouphug2
 
Livelife

Livelife

SF Supporter
#13
#13
Searchingforhope said:
Oh, this is so perfectly put! Thank you!
Click to expand...
Your're so welcome. You are doing profound work. I hope self care time and ability is able to be part of your day or week. Even 10 minutes of laying down quietly without any disturbances, you can use a low volume meditative music type sound or quiet) can offer an energy reboot. Something I was a taught by a teacher I followed years ago and it can work......take care.....
 
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Searchingforhope

Searchingforhope

Well-Known Member
#14
#14
Survivorist said:
I can only agree 100 percent. I raised 4 children, out of which only one was mine. It did cost me my marriage (because I had to work abroad to get the funds and my wife was working too). So, I could only come home 2 or 3 times a year. We had enough to live, but limit (in the beginning). I bought my first new car when I was already 38 years old! Now the kids are grown up. So, what I want to say is - there is an end to the stress. I tried to do the best, promised not to repeat the things my parents had done to me - and kept my promise. I raised the daughter of my ex-wife but did not hear from her since 5 years. My son is calling once a month (ok, he is pilot). The first two are fixed on her mother as I was always abroad - so understandable. The other 2 are in regular contact but limited due to distance only by WhatsApp and one annual meeting (if we have the funds). I am TIRED. I could live a life without any problems (enough income) but still live on minimum in order to continue to help: Am I stupid? Or do I just forget myself? It has a positive side as well: I did it well, with all my heart and all I could give or do. I kept my promise never to treat them like my parents treated me. In fact, my son only received ONE punishment - when he was about to burn down the apartment (all kids try fire experiments...but please not in the wardrobe locker... smile). They know that I am sick and understand. I refuse further help (pride) and living alone for the moment is giving me the peace I need. No pressure to do the dishes or go shopping.

So @Searchingforhope courage! It will end one day and then you will be proud of yourself. You do good - do not let the stress, work, money problems tear you down. It will get better. Money is not everything. Involve kids in housework asap. Hug!*grouphug2
Click to expand...
Thank you for such a kind and considerate response!
 
Searchingforhope

Searchingforhope

Well-Known Member
#15
#15
Livelife said:
Your're so welcome. You are doing profound work. I hope self care time and ability is able to be part of your day or week. Even 10 minutes of laying down quietly without any disturbances, you can use a low volume meditative music type sound or quiet) can offer an energy reboot. Something I was a taught by a teacher I followed years ago and it can work......take care.....
Click to expand...
Thank you! I will try to find that 10 minutes!
 
H

Honeymoon

Active Member
#17
#17
Only rich people can "have it all". Because they have all the resources at their disposal, two of which are the most important: money and time.

Everyone else should try to simplify their lives as much as possible. Think carefully about what you really want and what you can live without, and stick to that path. You can't have everything. You will have to give up something. The problem is that very few people think this way in time, before they get trapped. Everyone is so hungry and unreasonable. They try to achieve everything and from there all the frustrations and huge dissatisfaction arise.

Searchingforhope said:
It's endless. Get up. Get the kids ready. Go to work. Try to concentrate. Deal with colleagues that sometimes seem to ignore me even more than my children do. Come home. Battle with the kids through dinner. Battle with the kids through bedtime. Have a single hour of free time (during which I'm supposed to exercise, socialise, relax, clean the house, finish all the work I didn't get done during working hours etc etc). The weekends come around, and there's no break. Just a different kind of busy. I feel so selfish for feeling like this is difficult, because I love my kids, I really do. But I'm SO exhausted.
Click to expand...
I'm glad I avoided it all.
 
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