Well it seems I never grow up. But ok. My life is and was always running in cycles - good time (maybe too good) and bad periods (completely down, suicidal, depressive, dependent - you name it). Getting out of all of - and it comes all at once, not one is missing - takes me many months. Then slowly I find strength again and start. So today I am since a week or so on a good way. I stopped to smoke (had a short accident and restarted for a week or so), stopped to drink, and reduced my medication to a minimum (slowly coming to zero). And I put 50 EUR aside for tomorrow for the gym (they are nice, they will give me two months for that). So one person once said here in the forum I am borderline - and I think that is the biggest part of my life and sickness. From jail and drugs to diplomatic service all over the world, from complete depression and suicide ideas (and attempts) to complete joy of life. From not being able to move to sport. From eating to juice fasting for nearly 100 days... All is excessive, without measure.
Only one thing - I reached a certain age and need to come to a more stable life. This is only possible by strict rules - which I have to keep. My dear mother always said - 3 months is the minimum to change. I think it's a little more, but this time I have to do it. I know very well that another failure might literally kill me. Shame, disappointment, feeling weak, letting myself go, negative thoughts... then all is coming and it needs a huge effort to get out again. You can only do this a certain number of times in your life - when the point comes when you realize that never anything will change (next time), I would be in real danger. Because there would be no more sense to always put all the power I have into this f.... sickness.
So tomorrow I will as well start another period of juice fasting. Not because I am fat (I am thin), but because its good. A lot of tea, juice and water makes you so clean in the head. Try it one day. So, thumbs up. And I can live quite cheap (more money for my family - living in three countries and two continents, and this will only change next summer).
Have a nice Sunday everybody. Wish me luck and power.
Only one thing - I reached a certain age and need to come to a more stable life. This is only possible by strict rules - which I have to keep. My dear mother always said - 3 months is the minimum to change. I think it's a little more, but this time I have to do it. I know very well that another failure might literally kill me. Shame, disappointment, feeling weak, letting myself go, negative thoughts... then all is coming and it needs a huge effort to get out again. You can only do this a certain number of times in your life - when the point comes when you realize that never anything will change (next time), I would be in real danger. Because there would be no more sense to always put all the power I have into this f.... sickness.
So tomorrow I will as well start another period of juice fasting. Not because I am fat (I am thin), but because its good. A lot of tea, juice and water makes you so clean in the head. Try it one day. So, thumbs up. And I can live quite cheap (more money for my family - living in three countries and two continents, and this will only change next summer).
Have a nice Sunday everybody. Wish me luck and power.
Best of luck!