Insight from a grade-school teacher

Was having coffee with a new friend from writing group who teaches grade school, and she was saying that she can tell which students will get picked on based on their appearance, athletic ability, shyness and certain other traits. She said it's heartbreaking because it's absolutely not their fault and they are as lovable and good as the other kids, maybe more so.

I was picked on badly between grades 4-7. It scarred me for a long time, although I'm over it now except in dreams occasionally. I was the "new kid" and managed to antagonize the school bully on my first day. I was the most picked-on child in my grade.

So for me - and for you if you got picked on: It was absolutely not your fault! No child or teenager chooses to be overweight or skinny or bucktoothed or clumsy or poor. We also can't control if we are shy or socially awkward or traumatized or confident.

So if you were bullied, and if you haven't forgiven yourself - do it now. You were lovable. You were deserving of respect and kindness like every child is.

As for the bullies - no need to forgive them! Put them in that trunk in the attic of your memories where they belong, and then forget about them. They deserve to be forgotten.

Would like to add it's especially disorientating when grade school was your ugly duckling phase. Now that I've grown into my features and learned self confidence the same people who used to pick on me for being unattractive/uninteresting suddenly started acting like we were childhood friends. It does bring a sort of distrust in your new relationships because there's always that tiny voice in your head going would they have loved me if they'd known me then? I see people, especially women, who've endured it and come out fierce. Nobody should have to go through that to find themselves, but it's comforting to see.

I was picked on in similar grade school years, but also through high school too. At first it was because of my goofy looks and eccentric behavior, but then became more of being an outcast thing in HS.

My 6 grade teacher said something towards me once that actually made sense, and was offensive to me at the same time. He said, "You can really tell the kids who are going to be exactly like they are now as an adult", but I believe he meant it in a dismissive way that I was never going to be anything more than a goofy loser who will never be anything good. But he was right I think that as an adult you can tell certain personality traits already at that age. He also said that teaching and dealing with middle school age children is the worst, but I don't remember why. This was a parochial Lutheran school were some of the teachers played mind games with kids they didn't like(or rebels), pushing some kids down the stairs, making fun of them in front of other students, throwing books, and this was back in the '90s.

I don't really deal with the affects of my bullying anymore, but it took a really long time to cope positively while doing much damage in the process and leaving some ugly mental scars. I agree with cereal that it's extra tough to deal with bullying at an age when you have the least defense for it, also when no adults positively support you at the same time.

Sorry if this is not very related to your post. Is there some way to help people that have gone through something like that? Something that can be said/done to help somehow? Thank you.