I’d like to start this thread off with saying hello and thank you for allowing me to even post this sort of content without it being removed, I don’t like complaining about the internet but I’ve spent a very unhealthy amount of time on similar forums and whenever I bring up suicide, child abuse and or self harm I always get banned or just wiped off the site.
This was all very long ago and I don’t live with my parents anymore, I am living it up in a cold mould stricken flat now, first and foremost I never really had any friends besides the occasional shop keeper or lunch lady they only really acknowledged my existence and would give me lots of free food because I am and was even more poor as teen/pre teen, I hated high school the most out of every part of my life it was constant mockery of me at one point I was soaked in water and had all my clothes ripped and torn and my school bag stolen and again I am poor so I wore the ripped up clothes for the next few months, I was mostly just beaten up sometimes to blood but not always a favourite of some of my favourite sadists was locking me in a room mostly storage closets they would gang up on me and drag me in there and lock me in I have no clue how they even acquired a key in the first place honestly.
The verbal and emotional abuse was the worst I couldn’t even walk by someone without hearing them snicker, the teachers were the same I would always just cry in a corner at lunch/intermission and it was nice because I was left alone it was involuntary crying so it’s not like I could stop, the funniest part was the fact the guidance teacher would call me names whenever she saw me it was always something like “you scruffy ****” or just a series of ews and yucks you could hear.
Family life was far from ideal I won’t dig into it too deep but it was worse than school both of my parents loved narcotics, so I never got any sleep or rest until I moved out and now I am just haunted, I can’t focus or think straight I just hate having my brain in my head.
I tried going to college but it felt too much like my old high school I even tried speaking to some people I noticed a guy wearing a fallout shirt and I love that series so I sat besides him and tried to speak about fallout with him and he literally just ignored me got up and walked away, i felt kind of shit after but it wasn’t the worse afterwards the same guy and some of his friends flung some wet paper at me when I was sitting down I just quit after that.
I tried a lot of ways to try and make relationships with other people but none of them have worked really, I haven’t had a romantic or platonic connection/relationship with another person ever, it’s probably to do with me as a person I don’t really know about many mainstream things I like extremely niche things but I have expanded my knowledge and understanding on a lot of things and to no avail.
I could write paragraph after paragraph about this all but I don’t want to dwell on it too much, I am just kind of reaching out for advice I live in constant agony it feels like a knife has been stuck in my stomach it’s very sharp and debilitating is there any ways to dampen this feeling without using substances prescribed or not and just a little side note I don’t want any of you to feel bad for me or anything it’s just things that have happened and I’ve just accepted them and the things that still happen I am just looking for advice on my current situation.
This was all very long ago and I don’t live with my parents anymore, I am living it up in a cold mould stricken flat now, first and foremost I never really had any friends besides the occasional shop keeper or lunch lady they only really acknowledged my existence and would give me lots of free food because I am and was even more poor as teen/pre teen, I hated high school the most out of every part of my life it was constant mockery of me at one point I was soaked in water and had all my clothes ripped and torn and my school bag stolen and again I am poor so I wore the ripped up clothes for the next few months, I was mostly just beaten up sometimes to blood but not always a favourite of some of my favourite sadists was locking me in a room mostly storage closets they would gang up on me and drag me in there and lock me in I have no clue how they even acquired a key in the first place honestly.
The verbal and emotional abuse was the worst I couldn’t even walk by someone without hearing them snicker, the teachers were the same I would always just cry in a corner at lunch/intermission and it was nice because I was left alone it was involuntary crying so it’s not like I could stop, the funniest part was the fact the guidance teacher would call me names whenever she saw me it was always something like “you scruffy ****” or just a series of ews and yucks you could hear.
Family life was far from ideal I won’t dig into it too deep but it was worse than school both of my parents loved narcotics, so I never got any sleep or rest until I moved out and now I am just haunted, I can’t focus or think straight I just hate having my brain in my head.
I tried going to college but it felt too much like my old high school I even tried speaking to some people I noticed a guy wearing a fallout shirt and I love that series so I sat besides him and tried to speak about fallout with him and he literally just ignored me got up and walked away, i felt kind of shit after but it wasn’t the worse afterwards the same guy and some of his friends flung some wet paper at me when I was sitting down I just quit after that.
I tried a lot of ways to try and make relationships with other people but none of them have worked really, I haven’t had a romantic or platonic connection/relationship with another person ever, it’s probably to do with me as a person I don’t really know about many mainstream things I like extremely niche things but I have expanded my knowledge and understanding on a lot of things and to no avail.
I could write paragraph after paragraph about this all but I don’t want to dwell on it too much, I am just kind of reaching out for advice I live in constant agony it feels like a knife has been stuck in my stomach it’s very sharp and debilitating is there any ways to dampen this feeling without using substances prescribed or not and just a little side note I don’t want any of you to feel bad for me or anything it’s just things that have happened and I’ve just accepted them and the things that still happen I am just looking for advice on my current situation.
