Practical Advice Struggle

I've lied to my family and psychiatrist about getting better, mostly as a self sabotage attempt ( pity party that I don't deserve help and that I'm a lost cause what not ) but also due to fear of seeing them disappointed in me. The damage is already done, I know I've betrayed their trust again and I can see myself spiraling for the worse but I'm still looking for reasons not to come clean and ask for additional help. Knowledge and having a solid plan usually calms me down enough to attempt something I find scary so I'm looking for tips on how to breach difficult topics.
Thank you in advance

I realized this was the wrong place to post this and I'm unsure of how to delete it

Welcome to the forum and good you are reaching out to others here, this is as fine a place to seek out others to talk to and I hope that you continue to do so because there are many caring and supportive folks here so just jump in here or wherever you see to take a fancy to post with us.

Sorry that you're feeling so bad.

Do you want to say what's made you feel suicidal?

I feel really guilty for being a burden on my family and not progressing in my healing journey as fast as I'd like. I'm constantly debating whether I should just quit my dreams and try to hold down a job ( a relatively hard thing with my current state of anxiety) so I'm no longer freeloading or sticking to studying for entrance exams and possibly freeloading for ages to come.

Hi and welcome to the forum!
Don't worry about posting to wrong places or not! I can relate a lot to what you wrote here about being a burden to the family. What I want to tell you is that I felt exactly the same in my teen like three years ago, when my parents totally get disappointed in me. But things eventually work out. They didn't believe I can enter a university due to mental health issues but I entered a really satisfying one.
My personal advice would be... if you are afraid that your family will be disappointed, then it's okay to avoid talking a lot to them (because I talked a lot to them and it was heartbreaking to them...) but if you want to get better, it's essential to stay honest to psychiatrists so they can adjust their treatment, etc., to help you feel better. And also, reassure yourself that there's nothing wrong about how you feel and no need to be afraid of ''betraying their trust'!
I'm just a teenager and cannot come up with something else, wish you the best

Thank you for your heartfelt message I truly appreciate it. Regardless of your age your advice has solid roots and it made me feel heard thank you again for taking time out of your day to respond
Best wishes to you as well!

I relate. Would it be acceptable to assume you’re of Chinese descent? If so, I am too, and I understand the filial pressures of the culture. If you’re like me, you must feel a large duty to fulfill your parents’ expectations, or at least to not be a burden to them. You may also feel a need for them to know the truth about you, for them to know you and support you emotionally.

I’m not sure how to advise you because it’s something I haven’t figured out either. I love them and I want to honor them, and at the same time I need to honor my own spirit as well. I always told my parents the truth about me, often in a rather unbalanced and indignant way. That caused a lot of fighting, and I wouldn’t recommend it.

It sounds like you feel like you need to talk to them. In that case, doing so in as calm a way as you can would ease things. Let them know your concerns, that you care for them and that you wish to be independent, and then outline what is in your way.

Healing takes its own pace and you can’t rush it any more than you can rush a plant to flower. Which is difficult. I too am feeling the pain of that. I wish you luck 🫶🏽

It's not freeloading if you are working towards a goal and your family are willingly supporting you. Think of if you had a physical illness - a mental illness is no different.

While I'm not Chinese when it comes to repaying and doing good by your family we don't differ too much ( even more so if you stem from a smaller community).

There is a disproportionately large need to make them proud and one day be the person that can support them no matter the situation.

Advice is always appreciated, thought hearing and accepting that someone else goes through the same troubles as I do is just as important, maybe even more so in certain situations.

I would often spend days, weeks or even months trying to formulate my thoughts, iron out everything that was unclear in hopes of presenting it as concise as possible. That worked wonders for understanding myself, not so much for sharing it with my family.

I had a rather heated conversation yesterday, the start of it was nothing but catastrophic, shouting and misunderstandings. I asked for a break ( yey for standing up for myself XD ), wrote out my thoughts on a paper and handed it over to them.
It actually helped steer the conversation into calmer waters, so if that would be an option for you as well I'd definitely suggest giving it a try!

I hope the both of us learn what healthy boundaries are, and to respect our own wishes regardless of our families expectations.
After all I think every family would rather see their loved ones healthy and happy because that brings on the biggest success in life.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences and for the advice. I haven't thought about saying I wish to be independent and I think that's a incredibly important thing to do.
Like I've said earlier hearing about someone else's struggle with the same issue is very comforting and in glad you shared yours, I hope my words are offering you some comfort as well.

Have a lovely day

You are so right! It can be difficult to accept mental health issues the same way as physical ailments but both can be debilitating and deserve the same respect. Very important to remind myself of that so thank you for writing it and for reading my post!

Sending positivity and light towards you. Have a lovely day