Ideas & Opinions Session with parents :(

Today i had a session with parents there. A LOT was said, a lot of anger came from my dad and a lot of false hope from my mom. But none understood or heard me, not even pdoc.
I clearly said i love them all, but i cant go on living a life that i hate just for them.
I said they have to accept im not made for this world, i hate everything and i have no hope it will ever get better. I can not change.
It turned out several doctors before, had told my parents not to expect anything different than suicide from me. I didnt know it, but it made me feel better that somebody had understood i cant see anything else in my future.
Now i feel kind of lost. Ready to do it but also linked to the previous plan: making a last effort in a new clinic and see if they can really help me. First appt. is on August 11th. Then theyll tell me if i can be admitted there or not, and how long i'll have to wait.
I dont want to wait so long, it seems pure agony.
On the other hand i want them to believe i really made a last attempt at getting better (which i dont really want). The only thing i really want id to be dead (possibile with their consent). I'll try to explain them a last time why and i hope they will understand and accept it....

Any thoughts? Please i need someone to talk with... If not even my pdoc gets me, then who?

Trying the new clinic sounds good, though like you said, waiting would be hard.

There might be some treatments you could try between now and the 11th. Maybe there are some clinical trials for new experimental treatments that you'd be eligible for too, though I don't know if you'd be able to make arrangements before the 11th.

Sending hugs

While im waiting i can see T and Psych. Worst would be going back to work. Maybe i can make it until Aug 11th, but i doubt i can wait months after that.
Im in total crisis, shocked by the session and disappointed that nobody, not even pdoc understands me. I feel so lonely. I feel i express myself quite clearly and directly, how can they not understand?

Sorry it was a difficult session. Speaking as a parent, hearing your child say they don’t want to live would be agonising. The responses from both your parents, both the anger and the hope, I would say are very natural responses. You have obviously been very clear about your wishes, but getting others to understand that someone who is physically healthy wants to die is going to be difficult.
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Out of interest, how old are you? You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to. Xx

I know there are places where euthanasia is legal but it costs way too much. Not worth it. Im 40 and battling this fight since 2005. Many attempts, got close but was saved... Matter of few seconds. Why? For what?
I can imagine its hard for parents, but im really at the end of my rope. No hope at all. I feel i do have real valido reasons for wanting to quit. I'll try explaining them better, maybe theyll feel for me??

Sorry you have suffered for so long
I really wish I could help you somehow

Remember my therapy as a kid had 3 sessions on my own then they wanted to talk with mum and me and because ut was mot all me acting out and maybe she had some blame for my issues she stopped us going

glad to hear you had better luck than me even if it did not go 100% as you wanted

Thank you iloverachel. Hugs.

Mac0, im not a kid anymore and it didnt go 100% as i wanted it, It went 100% as i didnt want it to go...

It didnt help anyone, only caused great chaos and upset all of us.

Sounds very much like my session back in the day my mum was is still to this day thinking its all my fault and no blame for anything can go on her that has caused serious issues over the years