Ideas & Opinions I don't know if I can do therapy again, but I want to

Tagged as Ideas & Opinions bc I want Ideas & Opinions; if this is an incorrect tagging way then pls tell me how to change it.

It's come back again, this deep regret and having thoughts of ctb again. I can't do it, I know I won't because I don't have the supplies and I keep thinking I'll change or things will get better.

I have been wanting to find another therapist again for quite a long time (Its been about three months since I last talked to my last therapist) but everytime I want to email or call a therapist to make my initial appointment, a few things happen:

1. I get incredible social anxiety from having to pick up the phone and call someone and explain over the phone my situation (financially and psychologically).

2. I lose hope because I have already seen three different therapists
(admittedly, not for nearly long enough.
my 1st one that I stayed with the longest was using archaic practices and pretty much told me to see my pcp (which I have none, and I told them before I didn't) to ask for a trial run of an antidepressant because I told them I didn't have motivation to do what I wanted or needed to get done; they also just more or less just asked uncomfortable questions, listened and noted when I refused to answer certain questions.
the 2nd one was doing a "SMART" plan approach to my problem and tried to narrow it specifically. I thought this would work but I felt like he was ignoring my psychological problems and only really caring about money; this approach was because I didn't have enough to pay for their 1 on 1 rate.
the 3rd one dropped me out of nowhere. I had a good feeling about them too but when I moved they told me they had a problem with their other job (at a school) that they had to handle first. I was ok with this. I asked them to help me with a therapist's note to help my case with getting financial aid. they just told me that i had problems and that I needed to find another therapist.)
and due to these experiences, I keep worrying that I'll end up paying a bunch of different therapists for initial appointments--which will be a waste because I don't think this is an effective way of getting to and addressing my problems when I'm having to explain myself over and over again. I already have a problem enough with having to get over my initial gripes about talking about myself. I don't like to do it.

3. I'm afraid that I'll just end up getting prescribed antidepressants that don't work but will change my brain chemistry for the worse. I have heard many bad things about antidepressants not working (at best) and messing up bodies for the long term (at worst). And the therapist won't really listen to me if I tell them they don't work.

4. I won't be getting enough help in time to help another stressor I'm having: school and work.

5. I won't be trusting enough to tell them about my history (which I am usually upfront with therapists that I do not wish to talk about my history with my biological family) and to share my true thoughts and feelings about myself and the way I see the world and my future. At worst, I'm afraid I'll get thrown into a facility which I literally cannot afford to do without medical insurance.

6. Because of all these things, I have no idea how or who to choose. I almost want to choose the cheapest one just to at least get a therapist's note. Or I want to see a psychiatrist just to get some pills that will dull these awful thoughts I have and just motivate myself to finish my school work. It's a more expensive option, but I have no idea how they work. I have a list that I've looked over several times, but each time I wonder if its too late since I last got a reply from them.

I just don't know what to do, I almost want to fail out of school and just die quietly. I refuse to talk to my family, let alone about any mental things going on with me and the only friend I can tell these things to is one who is overwhelmed with their real job right now. I wish I could tell my other, count them on one hand-amount of friends that I do have. But I can't. They'll know that I've gone crazy or something, or they'll ignore my problems and give me general, hopelessly optimistic advice. (I've told a couple friends a diet version of what I go through and they've done this to me before.)

I'm so sick of having to deal with my brain and with unhelpful professionals. I just want it all to end.

I get bullied or purposefully ignored at my job by everyone, and it doesn't help that one of them is a manager. I don't even give two shits about this job, I'm not planning on rising through it career wise. I thought the bullying would stop when I got out of high school--It didn't. At first, I could deal with it. But now I can't anymore. I have had a few realizations about myself, my appearance, and what it means for when I want to pursue the careers I would like to go into. I hope that something bad happens to me or that I pass away in my sleep because of some freak health problem that I didn't know about. I wish I could wake up and be a different, possibly more likeable person. This shit isn't worth living for.

I don't know what the hell to do.

Sorry that you're going through this.

In principle, you might be able to get meds or therapy to work out. There's a lot more to treating depression than just meds and therapy though.

This link has some info about treatment methods

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

If you feel like you're at risk for an attempt, then getting on meds sounds like a good idea. I know you're reluctant to take meds, but being on meds short-term sounds like a better option than possibly making a suicide attempt.

There may be some books that could help you to deal with bullying. Also, some books that would let you learn some therapy techniques on your own.

I just found this link recently that has a list of books that therapists in the UK can "prescribe".

https://reading-well.org.uk/

The books on bullying may be in the "for young people" section, but I think lessons on bullying really aren't age specific.

@may71 i don't think i have depression, or at least i won't pre-emptively fool myself into thinking I do until someone diagnoses me with it. the thing is, i feel like many therapists want to diagnose everyone who isn't feeling happy or super motivated to get things they need to get done as being depressed when really it is probably something else.

and i guess i'm not so much worried about being put on medication as much as I am getting put on unnecessary or the wrong medication. I think I would be fine getting put on xanax (so many people i've known in school are either on xanax or adderall.) but i don't want to be prescribed antidepressants that don't work. I feel like because of the bad connotations of faking symptoms or whatever to get the "harder" prescriptions for meds that therapists are afraid to jump to suggesting a xanax prescript.

I'm not at any immediate risk of suicide. I've been ideating it since I was about 10-13 and the strongest I felt back then was when I was around 16 or 17. I feel over the years it's come and gone, but right now it's come back and it's really come back in full force; maybe even stronger than before because I'm approaching 26.

thank you for the books. i'll try to give them a read.

thanks for reading through and replying as well.

Xanax...that's something that I'd worry about more than antidepressants.

Benzodiazapenes may work in the short term, but they're addictive as hell. I've heard experienced recreational drug users say the withdrawls were the worst they'd ever had.

One thing you could do is go to an MD and have other causes ruled out. There are a hand full of things, like viatmin deficiencies, thyroid conditions, a few others that can mimic depression.

The term depression seems to me like a catch-all that describes a symptom rather than a cause. That said though, I think you can still say that someone is depressed without necessarily knowing the reasons why they are depressed.

In any case there's plenty of non-medication treatment options.

You're welcome!

Have you considered trying support groups? I hadn't considered it for a variety of reasons (extreme social anxiety being one of them), and it has really been a great thing for me. Depending on where you are, there are some that are even free. It can at least give you some support while you work out looking for a therapist.

As for meds? I was extremely resistant to trying more meds. I had some bad experiences with them and wasn't keen to give it another go. I'm really glad I decided to try again, because it's helped a lot. I'm not saying meds are for everyone, because I'm not sure they are, but they have made a difference for me. Antidepressants can make a big difference, the key is communicating with your doctor and letting them know if something isn't working. Xanax is a short term med, it isn't a long term thing. They typically will only give it to you for a very short time.