Fight with my partner tonight 😢

Tonight my partner came home and we got into a fight. Usual dumb stuff he makes a massive mess I clean up after him constantly. I have problems with self control my whole life when I feel like I’m not being heard or listened to I explode and scream ridiculously. I honestly know how much of an overreaction it is but in the moment when I get so angry it’s like I step back and watch myself unable to stop it. Anyways everytime me and my partner fight I ask my partner to leave me alone over and over again till I end up screaming and ripping my hair out- he also takes my phone off me and it does the same thing. he has promised me he would start leaving me alone when I ask but he doesn’t.
tonight I walked away because he Made a massive mess and told me to stop nagging him when I told him to clean It up. He followed me yelling at me and I broke down took my ring off and threw it at him “I’m done” I said.
he wouldn’t leave me alone I screamed leave me alone for the 1000th time and he launched at me grabbing me by the mouth and pinning me down then strangled me, the more violent he got the more I screamed I watched myself loose control he kept going took my phone off me and held me down with his hand around my neck I’m claustrophobic so I literally couldn’t calm down if I tried, I kept screaming I can’t breathe I could feel myself getting dizzy, I punched him in the face twice and he spat blood at me “shut the fuck up before I smash your head into the wall” he screamed at me holding me down.
The second I got a breath I yelled “this is abuse this is abuse” and “SOMEONE HELP ME” he smacked me in the face as he pushed his hand over my mouth again “you punched me you’re more abusive then me” I went into shock at the statement. I blacked out and when I came too I was on the floor the cupboard next to me was broken with blood splatters, my shirt was almost ripped off me and my whole body hurt, my partner was holding my head crying saying “I’m so sorry I’m so sorry please talk to me please what do I do I’m so sorry I can’t believe what I’ve done to you do I call an ambulance please talk to me I’m so sorry” he picked me up and wiped my face down and told me he would never do that again (he’s said that before tho and every argument we have gets worse and worse)
He told me he was so sorry for “pushing me that far” but when I brought up choking me or putting his hand over my mouth and sitting on me nearly suffocating me he replied so nicely “I only did that cause you kept yelling”
I don’t know what to do.
I love this man he has never gone this far before but I’m terrified of him. I don’t have anywhere else to go and the house is furnished with my furniture but the house is in his name when I’ve said I’m leaving he told me he will smash all my stuff. The only problem I have is when we argue he doesn’t leave me alone no matter where I go or what I say he follows me around screaming at me if I put my hands over my ears he rips them off and hurts me and if I retaliate then I’m the abusive one. Apparently Choking me, pushing his hands over my mouth, sitting on me, taking my phone away so i can’t call for help, punching holes in the walls next to me, restraining me so I can’t go anywhere isn’t abuse but me punching him in reaction is? I know I should never hit him but when I feel like I’m about to pass out it seems all I can do is fight back. i don’t know I love him. And I’ve been through so much worse so I don’t know why it’s getting me so down.

Hey there Tessa,

That's shocking what's happened to you. For him to act the way he has by saying, "you punched me you’re more abusive then me” that is just wrong, he needs to own his shit and recognise what he has done instead of trying to hide how he has acted with a lame defense like that.

You mentioned about how you've experienced worse situations in the pass, and wondering why this is now getting you so down. I don't know, maybe because incidences such as these have finally taken their toll upon you?

It's hard to know exactly what to do due to issues you feel are tying you to this current arrangement. I don't know if you both have considered couple's counselling as a starting point to help deal with those issues which triggers these events. Ok, I get it that at the moment you don't have an alternative place to go and you have concerns about him smashing up all your stuff. But what are those compared to your health? Your safety comes first so perhaps consider a women's shelter if need be?

Obviously this situation can't carry on, and I do hope you will be able to find a way to resolve this safely.

This had my mouth open whilst reading. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

I know he's threatening to break your stuff if you leave, but to me it seems much better to have your stuff broken than you broken. Especially if it's getting worse.

Leaving temporarily or permanently may be a good thing. Is there anyone in your real life who knows (or who you could tell) this is going on, who may be able to offer assistance?

Whatever you choose to do, he can't carry on like this. This is not okay. And you can't put up with this. There are lots of charities to talk through those being abused, if you struggle to find the numbers I can offer some depending on your country. They will have much better advice practically and support-wise than I will.

And what I will say, whatever he has said, fighting back to defend yourself is not abuse. Considering he could have killed you by choking you or "smashing your head" as he threatened, you are not safe, and hitting out of panic, fear, when it is very possible he could have killed you, is not abuse. You are not at fault here for trying to defend yourself against it.

These are just my thoughts, and of course, I don't know the situation as well as someone who may have experienced abuse. But I do know that you should prioritise your safety, always. And if this relationship isn't safe for you, it may not be right for you.

However you move forward, you'll be in my thoughts. This really touched my emotions that someone would have to go through that, and I really hope things get better. Sending hugs.

Em

To be honest, it seems to me like you might have a personality disorder, and he might be both physically and emotionlly abusive, or at the very least, have severe anger issues.

That's awful Tess, I'm sorry that this happened.

I've heard that violence, followed by apologies and promises never to do it again, followed by more violence, are common themes in abusive relationships.

It sounds like getting out of this relationship would be a good idea. www.hotpeachpages.net has a word-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources.

I hope something can help

Also, I have to add that you had every right to cold cock him if he was choking you and you couldn't breathe. That's a load of crap that what you did was more abusive than what he did. It was self-defense. He's just saying that to try to justify what he did, which should tell you right there that he's not really sorry. The only thing he's sorry about is the consequences of his actions -- you blacking out from what he did and his ass almost going to prison. Which by the way, is what also would have happened had you decided to go to the hospital. So if you ever want to get away from him, go next time. They can help you.

Yes I was diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia i am medicated and seeing someone, and I suspect my partner has some sort of paranoid personality disorder and yes definitely anger issues but he doesn’t like speaking to people about his problems so he probably won’t ever get diagnosed 😔

We have spoken about couples counseling but I fear if I say too much it will make him angry. And I understand I have to keep myself safe but I honestly love this man it sounds so silly I just want to believe that it won’t happen again even tho I know how abuse goes 😔

I woke up to him messaging me
“I never want to be like that again I want to be better and change, baby I’m so sorry but I’m not going to be like that I swear and I know I’ve said that before but I’m sticking to my word I promise x”

I haven’t opened it yet. I’ve been through abuse and I know it gets worse I know they’re always full of “im sorrys” and “it won’t happen agains” 😔 I’m his first real partner so I don’t know why apart of me wants to hold on to a bit of hope but I have started seeking help, I’ve spoken to my little sister and she is going to come up and try and visit me for a while till I can figure something else out.

thank you all so much for your kind words and support it pushed me to open up to my sister and I really appreciate it all I know dealing with someone in an abusive relationship can be extremely frustrating I just wanted you’s to know I hear all of you’s I’ve been in this situation before so I’m not going to be as naive as I was last time 🖤

Hi @Tessa777 I'm glad you opened up to your sister. It must all be confusing. After all you love this man. You don't want to believe he'll do this again. Sometimes we love people who just aren't right for us. I hope you meet someone who is right for you. And remember we're here for you.

Hi @Tessa777 - I’m sorry about what you are dealing with. That’s a hard situation, I’m sure.

Since you are already familiar with abusive relationships and their patterns, please just be sure to keep yourself safe. I’m glad you’ve reached out here and to your sister.

It might be an idea to have a plan for leaving, just in case you ever need to...Maybe put together a “getaway kit” - your personal ID papers, some money, a credit/debit card of your own, an overnight bag with clothes, toothpaste, meds...Stow in the front closet or in the trunk of your car. You could also ask a friend or relative if they would be willing to take you in at moment’s notice if things are bad with your partner.

I don’t know if you and your partner will work through this or not. I hope you are able to mend things. Again, I really hope you keep yourself safe, no matter what.

I wanted to tell you about an app called myPlan. It's for people in abusive relationships. You answer some questions and it helps you make a plan going forward. It requires a pin number so your partner won't know what the app is for. https://www.suicideforum.com/community/resources/myplan.21/

Very sad to hear the story Tessa, but glad that you recognize that such situations are bound to possibly get even worse. That is a scenario to avoid. A man should never put hands on any woman, such a person doesn't deserve to be called a man, a fool with a dick trying to be a big shot yes, but never a man...