I'm still having times where I struggle.
My ex was abusive emotionally, coersively and physically a few times.
I was walking on constant eggshells. I was not able to go out without her constantly calling or messaging me. I was the only one working for a year and supported us. I was not allowed to spend money without her looking at my online banking and asking what it was. I was called fat, ugly, a slob, useless, waste of air and shouted at all the time. The house was smashed. My things were broke. I didn't have any family photos apart from one. My family was not allowed to visit apart from certain ones. I lost all my friends. She told me she cheated on me and they were better. She gave me a black eye. She manipulated me. She humiliated me in public on a few occasions. She said my nan should just die when I found out she had cancer. I did not get to see my nan for 9 months before she died on boxing day and by this time she was a skeleton i didn't recognise. When she passed away, i got 1 day of seeing if i was okay and then it was back to doing everything and not caring if I was alright. I couldn't wake her up if she was napping. Dinner had to be done. The house had to look a certain way. Nothing was ever good enough. She didn't touch me. Once she got what she wanted in sex, she pushed me away and had a shower and I was not allowed to discuss her to anyone or speak about our problems.
I finally got the courage to chuck her out just over a week after my nan passed away because I couldn't do it anymore, her last words were 'I hope you are happy one day, we all love you've. I couldn't go on knowing I was not doing what my nan wanted and I lost the last bit of care, trust and love being with her. She smashed the house and my car, screaming at me.
I didn't feel safe in that house being 200 miles away from my family, it never felt like home. I was on eggshells from every little bang on the door, I couldn't settle. I didn't sleep properly but I still carried on working to keep myself busy.
I moved 170 miles back home, I got a better job, she doesn't know where I live and I gained a couple of new friends.
The feelings of not being good enough, feeling disgusting, fat, ugly, useless and being lost arise every now and then and I'm struggling at the moment, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
I want so bad for my nan to be alive so I can thank her for pushing me to do it and have that time with her back that I missed so she knows I love her.
I feel like I'm lost still and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all okay. When will someone be there for me the way I am for others?
My ex was abusive emotionally, coersively and physically a few times.
I was walking on constant eggshells. I was not able to go out without her constantly calling or messaging me. I was the only one working for a year and supported us. I was not allowed to spend money without her looking at my online banking and asking what it was. I was called fat, ugly, a slob, useless, waste of air and shouted at all the time. The house was smashed. My things were broke. I didn't have any family photos apart from one. My family was not allowed to visit apart from certain ones. I lost all my friends. She told me she cheated on me and they were better. She gave me a black eye. She manipulated me. She humiliated me in public on a few occasions. She said my nan should just die when I found out she had cancer. I did not get to see my nan for 9 months before she died on boxing day and by this time she was a skeleton i didn't recognise. When she passed away, i got 1 day of seeing if i was okay and then it was back to doing everything and not caring if I was alright. I couldn't wake her up if she was napping. Dinner had to be done. The house had to look a certain way. Nothing was ever good enough. She didn't touch me. Once she got what she wanted in sex, she pushed me away and had a shower and I was not allowed to discuss her to anyone or speak about our problems.
I finally got the courage to chuck her out just over a week after my nan passed away because I couldn't do it anymore, her last words were 'I hope you are happy one day, we all love you've. I couldn't go on knowing I was not doing what my nan wanted and I lost the last bit of care, trust and love being with her. She smashed the house and my car, screaming at me.
I didn't feel safe in that house being 200 miles away from my family, it never felt like home. I was on eggshells from every little bang on the door, I couldn't settle. I didn't sleep properly but I still carried on working to keep myself busy.
I moved 170 miles back home, I got a better job, she doesn't know where I live and I gained a couple of new friends.
The feelings of not being good enough, feeling disgusting, fat, ugly, useless and being lost arise every now and then and I'm struggling at the moment, I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
I want so bad for my nan to be alive so I can thank her for pushing me to do it and have that time with her back that I missed so she knows I love her.
I feel like I'm lost still and I just want someone to hold me and tell me it's all okay. When will someone be there for me the way I am for others?
