Making A Marriage Work

I have been married just over 5 years now. When I married my husband I had two children and he had two children and we later had a child together. We both work full time in very demanding jobs, we rent a house and well make ends meet. I always thought my husband was my best friend and was devastated when he cheated on me 4 times (he said it was never more that text messages). We got past this over time and there are always other problems to face such as step children relationships, money worries, health worries and family dynamics etc.

How do marriages survive all the ups and downs? We both dream of the day when the kids are older and we have retired...under the illusion that life will be fine then. But so much has challenged us already that I fear what else is to come and that it will all have been for nothing. I really want us to make it. But it just seems that marriages don't last any more. Is there and advice????

Hello @mentalhealthnurse !
I'm very sorry to hear that. 5kids at home must be rather complicated. I don't know the problems of marriage and children but the way I see it, it would be really sad to just wait until the kids are grown...
I don't really know how we should react against cheating, but I feel like you love him and hate him at the same time, and it's... not the way it should be I guess ? If you feel like you could be happier with someone else, or even just by yourself, you still CAN part ways if you think it's a good idea.
I'm sorry I don't have any experience but I want you to know that you're not alone and that there is always a solution.
You have all my support ! Take care !

I don’t know I think it all depends on the situation I know I put up with way too much from my ex I look back and think I should have left him years before. I do know you shouldn’t give up over small things but if he is cheating it probably won’t stop. You you have to decide if you trust him or not hugs stay safe

I have never married and can only tell you what a 94 friend of mine told. He and his wife were married for 70 years. Only her death separated them.

He said that they put God first, then themselves, then the kids.

Best of luck to you.

I like that.

I've been married for over 5 years and we have been through a lot. We're both heroin addicts. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. He's got PTSD, a dissociative disorder, and severe anger issues. Possibly Narcissistic Personality Disorder as well. He's lived on the streets shooting dope for quite a few years before he met me. He's used to that life and constantly looks over his shoulder because he has people from his past who want to hurt him. He's learned to protect himself because of that in whatever way necessary to survive. We've been robbed quite a few times, been homeless, sold drugs due to being broke, did drugs together. He's come home bloody many times, gotten himself into life or death situations constantly by doing the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place. He's addicted to the chaos of that lifestyle, and I'm always left wondering whether he's dead or in jail. We're trying to do the right thing nowadays and are both detoxing off of Suboxone, trying to make a better future for ourselves without all the bullshit. Not to mention, as you can imagine, Borderline and Narcissistic don't exactly mix well sometimes. Our fights and arguments have been just as chaotic as our lifestyle. But I will say that despite everything, we love each other to death and are willing to do anything for each other. Because of my BPD, I've tried pushing him away many times, and he's never left no matter what I do or say. We've never cheated on each other and can't imagine our lives without the other person. Marriages can be chaotic, no doubt. But each marriage has its own set of rules, boundaries, and limitations. Only you know whether those have been crossed to the point of no return.

The only thing I can think of is marriage counseling or maybe family therapy.

That takes money though, and may not be covered under insurance.

Maybe there's some books or online resources about making marriages work and blended families

Look for the positives, don't dwell on negatives. Communicate openly There should be no secrets in a marriage, no matter how small or significant. Think of the situation as it is, not how you wish it was. It will only drive you crazy. "What can I do to rectify this situation in this moment?"
I think, if we're being honest, when you share your space with someone and know all their flaws and vice versa, there is a sort of tiredness. Remember why you chose this person. Don't imagine them changing. Are the issues greater than your love/connection?

Hi there
Having 5 kids must be a lot of stress - with the kids themselves and the money and stuff that goes along with that. Who car pools today? What punishment for that kid vs this one? Who is making lunches today? Where is allowance coming from this month? Kids are a lot and just that alone is a load of stress. Parenting isn't easy!
And money is a huge stressor or marriage too. It must be very difficult for you guys BUT you cam make it work if you love each other. That's what I don't hear you say in your message. You said he was your best friend so that's a good sign but you never even said that you love him. I assume you do but that you're feeling the sparks fizzling.
You've gotta remember to make time for the 2 of you. Cheap dates and a few minutes alone every day can really go a long way to keeping things together with him. You can't say that in 10 or 15 year when the kids are grown you'll focus on you. One or both of you will be so "checked out" by then that your relationship will have set sail long ago. I promise you. He's already betrayed you in some way via text messaging some other women - and I'm sure neither of you want that to go another step. People do that shit because they feel neglected. Why keep neglecting something that needs watched and nurtured? Do it now before it's too late. You don't need to wait "til the kids are grown", you can work on things with him today.
But YES, it's always up and down in a relationship. It is always hard work. And you guys are completely and utterly normal and boring, just like the rest of us married folks.

As a parent of five, I agree with what walker said about making time now for just the two of you, and that means enjoying each others company without talking about the kids and all the everyday issues that come with running a household and raising a family. My kids are grown up now and I wish my partner and me had made more effort to make time just for us - it took a while to get used to being with each other without the kids being there all the time and both of us regret not having a life which wasn't entirely devoted to raising the family. We could definitely have had a lot more fun than we did!

I was going to say something about The Brady Bunch, but then I kept reading and learned that this was a serious post.
As a divorce survivor, I honestly don't know. The farther away in time I get away from my marriage, the more amazing it seems to me that it lasted as long as it did.
My best advice: honesty. Truth will set you free, seriously. Be honest with yourselves, with each other, and with the kids. Honesty is always welcomed and respected, eventually, if not immediately. But dishonesty is never forgotten or forgiven, especially by kids. They have long memories.