I wish there was a mute button in my head

I wish I hadn't failed. And I wish time would speed up so I could leave here and try again. One more month to go. What an awful, self-pitying thing to be looking forward to. Which just makes me feel more wretched.
I can't get away from this. Does it ever stop? One of the worst things right now is the awful, sinking feeling that I will never ever stop being plagued by the urge to die. Even when I'm feeling relatively happy or when I'm drunk as hell the feeling the need still surfaces and I have to fight it back down again. I can't live an entire life fighting this in every single moment of every single day. I can't. I don't want to. This is no way to live.

I can't breathe. I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

i kno' the feeling. i often find myself unable to stop thinking about it. im here if u ever wanna talk. i know i wont be of much help. but i hear ya.

It's awful. The suicide thoughts are like this splash of cold water on everything I do. They break the surface of my mind like a whale surfacing and leave me gasping in shock. Doesn't matter where I am or how I am feeling or what I am doing, they pop up and I feel like I just got slapped sharply across the face. Sometimes they are related to what I am doing--i.e. what an awful moment...I wish I was dead, What a wonderful moment...I could be content if I died right now--etc, sometimes they are just there, completely unwelcome and unconnected and unbidden and out of context. Like an in-law that just won't leave the house. This is this strange alien presence, so familiar and yet so foreign, and I cannot make it depart, not for good. I feel infested.

Dearly Beloved;

One more month to go... until "what"?? I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated and unhappy right now. You asked, "does it ever stop?" I think it doesn't so much 'stop' as sort of fade away, become less strong, quieter, not so demanding. I still feel suicidal frequently, but not as often as before and not as desperately. It can and will pass, it just takes time.

Please don't give in to the impulse to kill yourself when things get really bad, cause they can become better if you stick around to try, but if you die the chance for improvement dies with you. Please give yourself one more chance, and one more, and one more, and one more. I would miss you if you were no longer here and I would mourn your loss and the loss of your potential.

Please cut yourself some slack, give yourself a break - you're a human being, damn it, you have as much right to be here as anyone else. And if it means anything to you, I love you and want you to be reasonably content with your lot in life, if not downright happy with it! So give yourself a break - be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

love, least

If you can't get these thoughts out of your head... replace them with other thoughts, more positive. THat will squeeze the bad thoughts out of your head as they'll have no room with the new positive thoughts taking up their former space. Try that to move them out of your head - replace them with better thoughts. Try it.